Archive for September, 2007

Day 2 – Unattainable Fixations, Candy & Scotch

Monday, September 17
11:45 p.m.

Again, not in real time with my postings, but the writing does correspond to the date and time above.

I was watching a repeat episode of the television show Scrubs, or, rather, it was on in the background as I was packing for the move, and Tom Cavanagh was guest appearing as JD’s (Zach Braff) older brother.  I immediately thought of Tom’s former show, Ed.  I didn’t watch Ed regularly, but caught a few episodes here and there.  He’s cute in a normal guy kind of way, like my last B-list celeb mention, Michael Vartan.  I’m not sure why I’ve been drawn to these two actors this week – I mean, I didn’t seek them out to think about as fantasy boyfriends, or anything.  I sware I’m not that lame.  But, something about these two has caught my attention. 

For one, there’s no real object of affection to claim yet.  So, I am not even thinking about a real person to pair up with, nor would I think about starting up a relationship without having met and fallen for someone with whom I would want to start a relationship with.  This may be getting confusing.  But, what I think I’m trying to communicate is that because there’s no real risk in admiring an untouchable, you can assess what it is that makes the untouchable intriguing to you, which can help you consider the kinds of attributes you are looking for in a real partner.  Upon recognizing those attributes, well, you can identify better the kind of person who is right for you when you meet him or her.

And I’m not even suggesting that you base your key attributes for a partner on a celebrity.  God, that would be pretty shallow and out of touch.  Irrespective, I think there’s something to be said about the quality attributes that you see or admire in the famous.  For example, both Vartan and Cavanagh seem like geniunely kind, unaffected, sensitive guys.  But, they could be acting.  Because, well, they’re professional actors.  I think what makes them striking to me, though, is the aw-shucks boyishness met with a hint of rascally intrigue.  There’s an energy to these two that is confident, happy, relaxed and unpretentious. 

So, I could poke my own eye out for spending thirty minutes or so pondering on the likeability and desirability of two Hollywood actors.   Admittedly, it does fill in the space of boredom that comes with packing up all of my crap.  I’m brain dead from the stress of it all, and brainless television is like candy or Scotch whiskey, soothing and sweet.  Which is why I have been thriving off of the repeat episodes of Will & Grace and Sex & the City every night.

I couldn’t help but wonder…per my very best Carrie Bradshaw columnist copycat…do we fixate on the unattainable to recover from boredom and pain, or do we do it to feel something at a time when there’s no one around to feel that something for?  I think we all want to be in love – it’s human nature.  But, let’s face it, when you don’t have a partner to be in love with, or if the magic has all but disappeared, we still long to feel that magic.  Even if it isn’t real.


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Sunday, September 16
11:45 p.m.

This is not in real time, as I started writing my blog last night (Sunday), but I created the blog site today (Monday).  So, I’ll eventually get caught up.

I had just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s best selling narrative fiction book, Eat, Pray, Love.  I had to put this book down several times during the course of reading it.  It’s a book about transformation and I was relating to it all a little too well.  But, I think about Gilbert’s happy ending, not contrived, but earned, as I try to place the last of my belongings into marked cardboard moving boxes, and I begin to visualize my very own earned happy ending.

I am 33, very single, very independent and, finally, very happy.  That’s a lot of very’s, I know.  I am also very afraid – afraid of an unofficial dream oracle that assures I will receive true love very soon.  Afraid because opening up my life to someone means shifting around the very tidy order of my life, an order that has become safe, comfortable and reassuring to me, an order that has allowed me to find my very own peace and happiness.  Letting someone in is a risk, and following the devastation that came with the loss of my last love terrifies me to no end.  But, a divine source always chimes its soothing voice peacefully in my muddled mind during my meditation sessions, a coaxing mantra telling me to have hope and faith.

While I was taping up my last box, I overheard an entertainment television broadcast interview with a favorite actor of mine, 38 year old Michael Vartan, most notably known for his roles on TV’s “Alias” and as the hot teacher/object of desire in Drew Barrymore’s hilarious romantic comedy “Never Been Kissed”.   The interviewer mentioned Vartan, who used to date “Alias” co-star Jennifer Garner, was single and ready to settle down.  When asked his type, Vartan claimed he didn’t really have a type “tall, short, skinny, full-bodied” (or something to that effect!) “I love all women.”  A safe answer.  Still, I spent the next hour fantasizing that I’d meet Vartan’s agent or publicist on an airplane who’d confidently profess, “I have the best guy for you.  You two would be perfect for each other!”  Then, he’d fly up to Oregon wine country, I’d show him around and seduce him with Pinot Noir and a homemade dinner beginning with a local organic heirloom tomato Capresi salad, then onto a main course of grilled wild Copper River salmon with fresh, organic dill and lemon served with a wild Oregon mushroom rice pilaf, finished off with dark organic chocolate dipped marrion berries and creme fraiche, all romantically set in candle light at Portland’s Japanese Garden.  Some people fantasize about sex; I fantasize about food.

Back to reality.

I am on the tail end of a cold.  Congested, per usual.  I can’t wait to get clear again.  Stress is mean to the immune system.  I meditate and then take a hot aromatherapy shower before I go to bed.  I feel better.  The packing will get finished.  The move will go smoothly.  I’ll love my new home.  My new job is going to be fabulous.  I don’t just tell myself this, I visualize it and feel it in my bones.  Indeed, I have great hope and faith.

It is my goal to be totally off of Claritan-D over the course of the next couple of months.  I will have a beautiful meditation room all set up in my new place to clear me and release negative toxins that ball up from stress and build up in my body.  When I meditate, eyes closed, dramatic cobalt blues and purples surface in my mind’s eye.  I have a strong third eye, I am highly introspective.  This, I know, will serve me well during my 365 day journey toward love.

I am anxious to be clear.  Today, the journey begins.

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