Day 343: That’s Not My Mom & Dad, Is It????

Monday, August 25

The alarm clock, albeit a Zen gong, started ringing at seven.  Ugh.  I don’t like to wake up before eight.  But I had to be at the winery by nine, so there you go.  I dragged my sleepy bum out of my cozy bed and sauntered down the stairs for a bowl of Leapin Lemurs cereal.  What can I say, the sweet yumminess of gluten-free chocolate-peanut butter cereal clears away the early morning blues.I hurried along, feeding the cats, cleaning the litterbox, and getting myself ready for work.  I spent most of the day at the winery while a producer was filming segments for a video.  I kept the time to keep things moving along.  The last quarter of my day was at my desk busily working through a long line of emails. 

When I got home, I changed and went to the gym.  On my way, I stopped by my mailbox and opened up a letter from my uncle in Florida.  In it was a fantastic photo taken of my parents from the late 60′s or early 70′s.  My mom has this huge black chignon or beehive, a little red velvet dress, looking wiped out a la Amy Winehouse style, and she’s sitting on a funky sofa (with colonial images like George Washington on a horse!) next to my dad who looks handsome in a black suit, only his eyes are totally closed.  He’s either very, very bored and tuning out his surrounds, or he’s passed out!  On the coffee table in front of them are two empty cocktail glasses.  I couldn’t stop laughing. 

My uncle is hilarious!  He included a funny note with the photo.  I’m going to have to frame this photo!  While it’s funny to see my parents in this era, and questionably sober, it’s also just cool to see them in a moment that’s so honest and real – not perfectly prim, proper and posed.  I don’t have any other photo of my parents like this, at all.  I do believe it’s now my favorite.

It’s also quite remarkable how much I look like my mom.  Aside from the black hair.  When I learned that the photo was taken in 1971, it dawned on me that I am four years older than my mom was when that photo was taken.  She had an adopted three year old little boy (which explains why they look so spent!) and, they didn’t know it at the time, but their soon-to-be adopted little girl was about to be born.  I wasn’t even a thought in the universe for another three years.

I called my mom and learned that she has to now give herself insulin shots.  Her voice was hesitant as she mentioned this.  I remembered practicing giving oranges insulin shots when my diabetic grandmother was still alive.  I knew this day was coming.  Her pills never seemed to control her irratic blood sugar.  I have worried about this, which is so fitting.  My mother spends many waking hours worrying about her children.  It’s quite the role reversal, but, I have worried about her diabetes for awhile.  But, part of me was a little relieved.  I figured the insulin shots might actually make her feel better.  This, I decided, was a good thing.

I made a thick and very cheesy two egg omelet stuffed with crab for dinner.  I had a very leafy green salad for lunch.  So, I was craving protein.  I had two organic sausage links with my omelet.  I then fixed a cup of Yogi India Spice tea, which is so darn good, with one third of a Dagoba dark chocolate bar.  I also ate two Ener-G brand gluten-free donut holes.  My sweet tooth was calling. 

Alas, I noticed a few ants around my kitchen sink.  I was pissed.  I spent days cleaning up the kitchen to get rid of the buggers.  I kept mumbling under my breath, not again.

I flipped through the latest New Renaissance book shop catalog and dog-eared pages to listings on a couple events I’m interested in attending this fall, including Images & Inspiration from Tibet – a talk and slide show on Heart Essence of the Vast Expanse, a tradition providing many pathways to enlightened being, which is scheduled for Friday, November 7th.  Another talk that I marked was Spiritual Discourse with Anam Thubten Rinpoche, a heart-to-heart dharma dialogue and exploration of the truth that is always available to us.  This class is scheduled for Thursday, November 13th.

As I made a note on my calendar about these events, I thought about my spiritual compass.  I haven’t been going to mass, still.  It’s been a couple months.  Maybe even more.   But I am still hung up on the fact that the Catholic church will not allow persons with celiac disease to take a gluten-free host for the Eucharist.  This is so offensive to me.  As if people with celiac are just trying to make a stink.  The bread is a symbol, which mean it’s not literal.  Which means Christ isn’t really wheat, water and yeast baked to crusty brown perfection.  C’mon!  It’s a sacred symbol.  I might as well have been excommunicated, as far as I’m concerned.  I’m not able to let go of this.  Communion was such a sacred, deep connection I’ve had with my faith.  It really meant a lot to me.  There are some Catholic churches out there that welcome a gluten-free host for those in need.  But, unfortunately, not mine here in Portland.  So, I’m a little bitter.  I am more or less ditching church until I am able to take a gluten-free host for Communion.

Meantime, I am exploring other spiritual options.  This isn’t really to replace my Catholic faith, but to keep my heart, mind and spirit refreshed and fulfilled.  I miss going to Mass and feel a void in my life, but I’m taking my own stand.  So, because I enjoy the philosophy and spiritual teachings of other faiths, anyway, I have been seeking out other ways to experience spirituality.  I had been on hold, spiritually, for awhile now, checked out, even.  Perhaps these Tibetan talks will feed my spiritual needs until the Catholic Church decides to be more inclusive to all, including those with celiac disease.

 

 

 

 

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Day 248: My Mother, The Greek & Tibetan Buddhist Philosopher?

Wednesday, May 21

Today my mother called me out on my bad behavior.  I was on the phone with her at once celebrating the fact that I got a partial scholarship to attend the Fishtrap summer writer’s workshop and gathering, then soon turned to complaining about my financial stresses.  The thing is, I’m hung up on the fact that I’m 34, still single, and still having to do everything on my own.  Most of my friends are either married or live with a significant other, and therefore share all expenses -rent/mortgage/ insurance, car payment/car insurance, utilities, food, cable, eating out, going out, traveling, and so on.  I am envious of those who have a partner, who have more money to live on because they’re not trying to do it all alone.  And it’s not that I’m trying to do it alone.  I’m just stubborn.  And extremely focused on my work and building a life that suits me.

My mother finally stopped me and said quite plainly, “maybe you’d meet someone if you weren’t so angry.”

She hit a nerve.

I wasn’t upset with her.  Well, actually, I kind of was, at first.  I think I blurted out something uncouth like, “you’re right, mom, I’m an a-hole.”  I repeated that a couple of times, I think.  I was more than kind of acting like one.

But then her statement actually hit me.  She was so right.  I didn’t want to admit it, but deep down I had already owned my truth.  I have been angry.  And tired from trying to be an independent, successful woman.  I never wanted to be the woman who needed a man, who wanted to be taken care of and I wonder…can I change my mind? 

Somehow I got deep and snuggly into my down comforter of protection, more like a defense mechanism, after having been so deeply hurt by the last man I fell in love with.  I don’t ache for that relationship anymore, but I am certainly still angry.  Not in a “I hate all men” kind of way.  Rather, I’m angry about the details of that relationship – that he ditched the relationship, that he was a coward, that he never once thought about my feelings.  Is it so wrong to want to be loved, respected, and treated with dignity in a relationship?  Perhaps it was a stretch for him, to think beyond himself, but I don’t think I deserved to be left alone in the dark after I put my heart out there.  I know people get their hearts broken every day, and maybe everyone else in the world bounces back.  But it’s been two and a half years and I’m still angry. 

I can’t put all the blame on him.  I’m just as angry with myself.  I was so emotionally involved in that relationship that I never saw the signs that he was having personal issues that deemed him unable to carry on in the relationship.  Worse, I really thought we were good, happy and headed for the happily ever after.  He never gave me any reason to think otherwise, really.  But what really terrifies me was that while I was in the midst of that relationship, I was totally incapable of knowing that the person I loved didn’t love me back.  How could I have been so certain as to start planning my wedding day with this man, while he was somewhere else.  I’m a level-headed girl.  I don’t get carried away.  In fact, I’m usually the one bolting before getting too close – I have been a perennial commitment phobe.  But he was the one that I was willing to take the fall for…

My mother was right.  It’s time for me to let go of all of that anger that I’ve pent up deep down inside and release it.  It hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  I don’t need it anymore.  When I think about the teachings of Pema Chodron and the Rinpoche, about peace, compassion and enlightenment, it’s clear that I have achieved those very same gifts from listenting to my mother.  She has always been the one who’s the most honest with me and who is totally invested in my happiness.  There’s no one on the planet who loves me as much as she does, and for as long as I live, I’ll never again know such deep, unconditional love.  It has given me strength and joy.

But, I realize the sacredness, no, the power of simply being able to give and receive love.  See, I may not have received the love I longed for from my ex, but I was given the gift to be able to love him unconditionally, truly and deeply.  One sided or not, it was a gift.  How could I possibly derrive anger from something that has given me so much?  Fear was the only answer.

It seems I’m not really angry at all, but afraid.  I took quite a fall.  I could blame him all I want.  He tripped me.  He pushed me down.  But that wasn’t really the case.  Or, if it were, it really doesn’t matter anymore.  There’s a Buddhist principle that no one can make you feel something, only you can make yourself feel something.  We have the power to choose how we respond and take in the world around us.

My good friend, Epictetus, who was born into slavery about A.D. 55 in the eastern outreaches of the Roman Empire, and was eventually freed and lifted himself from his humble beginnings to establish a distinguished school of philosophy, wrote the excerpt “No One Can Hurt You” in his classical manual on virtue, happiness and effectiveness (and the art of simple living) in The Art of Living:

People don’t have the power to hurt you.  Even if someone shouts abuse at you or strikes you, if you are insulted, it is always your choice to view what is happening as insulting or not.  If someone irritates you, it is only your own response that is irritating you.  Therefore, when anyone seems to be provoking you, remember that it is only your judgment of the incident that provokes you.  Don’t let your emotions get ignited by mere appearances.

Try not to merely react in the moment.  Pull back from the situation.  Take a wider view; compose yourself.

Okay, so I’m a little behind on composing myself.  But, I am taking a wider view and I am going to make a commitment to fully release the judgements.  I’ll check in with my mother to see if I’ve made any progress!

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Day 247: Taking Care; Staying Focused and Mindful; & Feeling Gratitude

Tuesday, May 20

I woke up to a cool, rainy morning.  My windows were open and the room was refreshing.  I did not sleep very well last night – part of the blame was that I couldn’t get comfortable, the other part my “allergies”.  So, I allowed myself ample time to wake up.  My sinuses were still killing me, my eyes were swollen, red and itchy. 

I kept progressing with some major projects in the queue for work.  I have been really pleased with the design work I’ve been coming up with, and thus have enjoyed the process.  The day flew by with very focused work.

I am pleased with my diet, as well.  I had a gluten-free cereal blend for breakfast, including Perky’s Nutty Flax and Enjoy Life’s Cinnamon Crunch Granola topped with fresh, organic strawberries and Silk Light Vanilla soy milk.    I had a cup of Yogi Detox tea mid-morning, as I read in a naturopath’s newsletter the need for spring cleansing and detoxification.  For lunch I enjoyed a can of Pacific Food’s Organic Savory Chicken & Wild Rice Soup and a bottle Vitamin Water.  For a snack, I had an organic local apple spread with Kettle brand crunchy peanut butter.  Finally, for dinner I had the second half of my Amy’s rice crust pizza with fresh organic buffalo mozzerella, yellow tomato and basil.  I also had a small organic Romaine salad with red cabbage, grape tomatos, sweet yellow pepper, pumpkin seeds.  I drank about 7 glasses of water and finished my evening with a cup of Yogi’s Bedtime tea.

Focus is my mantra.  I am making a concerted effort to improve my diet, to follow it carefully and to forego dining out, if needed to insure gluten-free relief.

My belly remains slightly swollen.  I have the dermatitis herpetiformis, the associated rash with Celiac disease.  It’s on my belly, on my shoulders, on my forearms and hands, and on the inside of my knees.  Luckily, it’s not too bad.  I’m not depressed, and I haven’t really had anxiety, other than that which comes with financial stress.  The incline of the price of gas doesn’t help – there was one station in the region that climbed up to $3.99 a gallon.  This is very troubling to me.  I’m going to start seeking coupons online and I’d really like to garden this summer to save some money, as well.

After work I went to the gym and got on the exercise bike for 40 minutes.  I hadn’t had a cardio workout in a few days, so this was really nice.  It felt good to get the bloodflow going.

I tried to organize my writing – I am trying to send off some prose and poetry for publication.  My hope is to make some extra cash and build my resume of published work.  I feel really good about the quality of my latest work.

In the spirit of doing nice things for myself, I decided to take a shower this evening.  Okay, that might sound weird.  But I never take showers at night.  And that’s not good.  It’s vital to rinse of the dirt and oils from the day.  I remember Rinpoche this spring mentioned this was very important when practicing Tibetan Buddhism.  It’s a meditative, respectful way to end your day, to cleanse your body and spirit.  I was having significant congesion, runny nose, sinus pressure and itchy, swollen eyes.  The evening shower really helped to clear me.

After drying off, I applied a comforting Derma-E moisturizing, antiseptic cream with tea tree oil and vitamin E to my body, especially where my rash has been.  It was very soothing.  I applied an herbal, organic facial mask and sat on the sofa with a heated lavendar-rosemary-sage shoulder wrap, an aromatherapy, heat-massaging pillow.   This was good.  This was very, very good.  I breathed in slowly, meditatively, mindfully.

I watched the evening news to see the results for today’s elections.  For the primaries, Obama took Oregon, Clinton took Kentucky.  Obama is a couple hundred electorial pledged delegates’ votes ahead, marking a milestone.  I am disappointed for Hillary, and for American women, but it ain’t over just yet.  Either way, this is by far the most exciting political election I have ever experienced!  History is in the making and change is certainly on the cusp.

Another interesting election was for Mayor of Portland - popular and young candidate, Sam Adams, easily took that win.  It was a grassroots campaign.  He’s smart, innovative, progressive and committed to making Portland an even better city.  Needless to say, it’s been an engaging political night in Oregon. 

By the time I finished this blog, I was breathing clear, calm and relaxed, truly ready for restorative sleep.  And thus I must feel gratitude.

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Day 240: Steps Toward Balance, A Sinking Economy & The Year of the Rat’s Ominous Predictions for 2008

Tuesday, May 13

Today was one of those days that seemed like there’s just not enough hours in the day to get everything done that I wished to accomplish.  I’ve been juggling a lot of time-sensitive projects at work, and then had a lunch date with a couple of ladies of the press.  We met up at Tina’s in Dundee and had a lovely lunch.  It is invaluable to develop relationships and get to know friends of the media – local, national, syndiated or not.

I signed up for a Scandinavian-style sauna-steam for this Saturday morning at Loyly, which I intend to write about for my next blog post on theantitourist.com.  I’m psyched to check this minimalist Euro styled spa.

After work, I spent my evening doing some yoga and abs strength training.  Due to my recent health issues, I’ve been committed to trying to get back into practicing yoga and meditation.  I would like to attend yoga classes, but I really need to get my finances in order. 

I’m spending money on different things for my writing – blog upgrades, writing contests (yup, most require $10-$15 fees to enter work), etc.  I would like to attend a few summer workshops, as well, either at Sitka Center for Arts & Ecology or Fishtrap.  I have limited funds for that, too.  With the gas prices soaring, it makes it even difficult to figure in when I can sign up for a tour and occassional daily usage of a writing room at Writer’s Dojo in Portland – it’s about a 30-40 minute drive from  my home.

I decided to set up advertising on my blog – it’s another way to make money.  I am aggressively looking into other means of marketing my blog and getting it out to more readers.  I’ve even added the subscribe button – keep scrolling!  It’s after the Archives…after the Blogroll, Recent Comments, and Stats – and yup, there it is!

I learned on ABC’s Nightline last night that a stay-at-home mom, who’s blog Dooce is a huge success, makes a good deal of money from advertisers.  I’m slowly dipping into this opportunity.  Sidenote – I love this blog.  I think it’s funny, honest – and not limited to mommies.  As a single woman I appreciate and enjoy Dooce blogger Heather Armstrong’s candid posts.

After working on these opportunities I tuned in to what’s going on in the world.  For one, I am happy that Hillary took West Virginia, but I am disappointed in our nation’s women, the leading gender in our population, for denying this incredible opportunity.  Statistics show that single women support HIllary – it’s the married women who are backing Obama.  I find that to be really, really weird.

What is making me even more sick right now is the devastation in the Far East.  As if Myanmar’s cyclone wasn’t bad enough, followed by a ridiculous government that would rather see its people suffer than allow global aid – because, God forbid that would show their people how kind, generous and effective the rest of the world is.  The leadership there wants to keep its people ignorant of that kind of aid. 

And then there’s China.  I don’t even know what to say about that earthquake.  The 7.9 scale is unimaginable!  I have decided to emulate the Tibetan Buddhists and pray for peace and the end of suffering.  It is my hope that lives will continue to be saved, that medical care, food and water will be available, that shelter will be available and that rebuilding will soon take place.  I will meditate on this and pray.  I hope the global response for aid will reach the Chinese people as soon as possible.

In February, with the coming of the Chinese New Year, the year of the rat, I remember reading an article about the possibility for natural disasters.  I remember thinking about Katrina, the Tsunami in the East (Dec. 04), and I just couldn’t imagine any more distruction.  But, the prediction for disaster was beyond ominous:

The start of the new lunar year, the most important national holiday for China’s 1.3 billion people, followed three weeks of ice and snow storms that crippled transport and power supplies in many cities.

But even though power has been restored to 162 or the 170 worst-hit counties, millions are still without electricity or heating and the China Meteorological Administration warned that the warmer temperatures and melting snow could bring natural disasters, including landslides, in their wake.

And fortune-tellers say that caution will be the watchword for the Year of the Rat, for which they predict financial and political rumblings, tsunamis and epidemics. The reason, they say, is that water and earth – two of the five elements Chinese mystics believe are at the root of all things – are in conflict in 2008.

Text from: ‘China Welcomes Year of the Rat’ by Philippe Naughton, TimesOnline, Feb. 7, 2008.

 

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Day 231: Volunteering for Events, Outdoor Cafe Dining & Dealing with Loss

Sunday, May 4
11:15 p.m.

Once again I slept in.  I put together a nice brunch including a salad with green leaf lettuce, basil, orange tomato, strawberries, a little shaved parmesan cheese and a homemade garlic Caesar dressing.  It was fresh and lovely.

I had volunteered weeks ago to help out at the Fourth Annual Indie Wine Festival.  I had volunteered for the first two festivals (05, 06).  It’s a hip take on the typical wine fest, taking place at Urban Wineworks.  My friend, Claudia, who manages U.W., had asked me to help out.  I got there just after 1:00 p.m. and was a little dismayed that it was a perfect, sunny day out and that I would be stuck indoors.  Either way, I was happy to help out…initially. 

If I were to be honest, which is my intent with this blog – bearing my soul for the good or bad – I was honestly dismayed that the volunteers were to put on bright orange shirts that implied “Staff” and were treated more like hired help and not like volunteers - you know, friends of the organization who kindly donated their time to be useful and helpful, not to report for employment, but, again, to be helpful.  While the organization generously offered a free ticket for the alternative event day (in my case that would have been Saturday), I didn’t take the ticket.  I didn’t voluteer just so I could get in to the event for free.  I volunteered to help out a friend. 

It appeared as if the real event staff worked a little, but were allowed to drink and socialize for the second half of the event.  I just thought that was a little off.   Mostly because the volunteers were not allowed to taste the food or wine, and we even got reprimanded and separated when we chatted with each other (at a point when the event had just started and no one was really tasting in our section) – which was handled, in my opinion, less than ideally.  It was kind of silly, but, hey, I understand the focus on producing a successful event. 

But, this made me realize after this third year of helping out that I am not really the kind of person they need to volunteer – and therefore, I will not make myself available to help out again.  It is possible that the role of event day volunteer has changed since I last helped out in 2006.  Irregardless, I’d rather purchase a ticket and go and have a good time at the event.  I’ll still support the event in other ways – especially promoting it to friends who are looking for an engaging cultural Portland event.  It certainly delivers on that front!

It seems to me the festival might benefit from hiring event staff from a temping agency to put to work while finding other ways to engage friends and supporters to volunteer their time, talent and enthusiasm.  Maybe I’m wrong.  But there are probably better ways for me to volunteer my time, talent and enthusiasm to such an event.  I suppose my expectations came from my past experience, which is heavily fuelling my opinion – it was just lighter and more fun volunteering a couple of years ago.  And I am sure there were plenty of volunteers who had a different experience this weekend, so I am certainly not speaking for everyone.  I should add that my friend, Claudia, treated the volunteers very kindly, graciously and made a point to thank everyone with a genuine spirit.   That was really nice.

A highlight was meeting Alice Feiring, who’s new book The Battle for Wine and Love was featured for book signing.  Alice signed my copy – it looks like an interesting read.

All in all, I think it’s great what the festival does for small producers.  The Oregon wine industry is an interesting, wonderful and diverse group of passionate wine mavericks and it has a personality that is unique and authentic – it’s great that some of the smaller producers are able to get better visibility via this event.  I always love to see what’s going on with this segment of the industry – the 2000 or fewer case producers.  It really is a cool event – I only wish I had the time to attend some of the very interesting seminars that were part of this year’s program.

After, Claudia, Kerry and a few other friends met for dinner outside in the cafe seating at Fenouil.  I had a glass of Cremant bubbly, a few bites from a cheese platter, a butter lettuce salad and the risotto.  I was tired.

When I drove home, my mind wandered down another winding road.  I had been thinking about loss and how I used to be so bad with loss – family deaths, break-ups, change, losing friends…

Lately, I have realized I am dealing with loss with more grace than I ever thought possible.  The books on Tibetan Buddhism I have been reading, especially Pema Chodron’s classic When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, have truly transformed my way of thinking.  And I seem to be able to actually apply St. Francis’s Serenity Prayer to my life: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.  Yes, I have done my best to apply this to the different forms of loss that have come my way in recent moments.

For one, there’s Shadow, my little stray cat who has disappeared.  I am genuinely sad about this but I have accepted that he’s gone.  I just hope that he is in a happy, safe place. 

Then, there’s that break-up that has lingered for me for over two years; I am finally able to accept that and to draw some very important learning points from the loss.  This is allowing me to finally move on and to face, more confidently, the potential opportunity to love again.

I have also accepted the loss of some friendships – I mourned the loss of certain friends at first and felt sad for not having certain people in my life anymore, but, I have finally accepted the course of those friendships coming to a close, and while I will always be grateful for when the friendships were more relevent to my life at another time, I hold no anger, disappointment or regrets.  Just acceptance.

It’s empowering, really.  I used to let things fester and fester.  I realize loss is constant in life and you can only accept that some things in life will inevitably draw to an end, sometimes before you’re ready to let go.  But, you have to accept loss as a part of the gains and cycles – it’s part of balance.  You win some, you lose some; you gain some, you lose some; you find some, you lose some.  It’s kind of like ying and yang in life, these gains and losses that go hand in hand.  And more often than not, you’re losing over gaining.  It’s important to be able to handle this with grace.

The thing is, you must be grateful for both because in gaining and in losing we become better, fuller versions of ourselves.  Mostly, I want to live in the moment with gratitude.  I want to be more open and accepting, more conscious, present and enlightened.  
 

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Day 194: Practicing the Path, Writing Begins with the Breath & Fiddlehead Ferns

Friday, March 28
11:16 p.m.

Today was a day filled with meetings.  I didn’t really get any work done, so I brought work home with me for the weekend.  I really need the two days off to not work, but, I find that I get really behind on our meeting days.  After the meetings, we had a farewell party for a co-worker on her last day.  I stuck around for a short while, which ended up longer than I intended, as I had a Tibetan Buddhism workshop at New Renaissance Book Store at 7 p.m.

I barely made it on time!  But, I walked in just before Yangsi Rinpoche, the speaker.  I was struck by his height!  He must be at least 6’6″!!  He’s a very gentle presence and moves slowly, with purpose.  He wore the traditional burgundy colored robes of a Buddhist monk.  His energy was peaceful, serene and yet intensely powerful.  I felt healthy and balanced in his presence.  I took a seat in the back and was so relaxed during his talk about compassion, I nearly fell asleep.  I heard every word and it was as if I were in a meditative state.  After his talk, he took some questions.  He has a kind smile and laugh. 

After, I went to the books store and bought Yangsi Rinpoche’s book Practicing the Path.  He was singing books, but I was too late.  Yangsi Rinpoche is the president and founder of the Maitripa Institute in Portland.  When I save enough money, I’d like to take some of the courses at Maitripa on Buddhist Philosophy and Logic, Meditation, Tibetan History, Compassionate Action, etc.  I’ll ask Rinpoche to sign my book at another time.

I also bought a book on writing called Writing Begins with the Breath: Embodying Your Authentic Voice by Laraine Herring.  Laraine spent three-weeks at the Soapstone solitary writers residency for women on the coast.  She writes about her experiences there in her introduction.  I really want to go to Soapstone when I have time and money to do so.  In any case, I’m really connecting with Writing Begins with the Breath.  And more on the author – her blog.

I also bought a beautiful journal.

After, I went to Higgins for a bite to eat.  I sat at the back bar and ordered a glass of Pinot noir, a mixed greens salad and the risotto with forest mushrooms, fiddlehead fern, leeks and chevre.  The food was delicious.  I had a nice conversation with the bartender.  While I ate, I put down the Writing Begins with the Breath book, after reading the engaging introduction, and began to write a poem about my spring-inspired risotto.  There’s nothing like eating food that’s local, seasonal and fresh.  It certainly inspires me!  I sketched the coiled fiddlehead fern and a leaf of Italian parsley next to my poem.  I decided then that I would write about my experiences “dining at the bar”, whether in the form of poem or essay.  Initially, I started this as a ‘food as poetry’  journal, but I may add essays.  We’ll see.

I finished my dinner with a nice cup of caffeinne-free Stumptown Coffee cappucino.  I love it when restaurants downtown serve Stumptown Coffee – it’s my favorite, bar none.  Since it was getting late, I had to go caffeinne-free, otherwise I’d toss and turn for hours and tonight I was hellbent on getting a good night’s sleep.  The rest of my evening plans included to stretch, go to bed and sleep in late!

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Day 177: Wanting to Earn My Wings

Tuesday, March 11
11:50 p.m.

I am tired, almost too tired to write.  I haven’t been getting enough sleep.  I am juggling working, taking home work, writing a daily blog, trying to get in some other reading and writing.  Oh, and I have to schedule in an hour to work out, and then make dinner.  Because of celiac disease, there are very few ‘fast’ food options to make at home.  I cook, which I love to do, but, again, it just adds to my list of things to cram into my evenings.  I am desperate for more time.  I haven’t been getting enough sleep, I am fighting catching a cold, and I haven’t been able to make time to meditate.  My priorities are all over the place.  I was almost guilted by a co-worker to miss Mass this Palm Sunday because of our spring barrel tasting.  I had to stand up for myself and say I’ll get there when I get there.  I snapped and told her my religion was more important to me than my job.  Period.  It disgusted me that I even had to defend it.  It’s amazing to me how many people don’t respect people’s religions.  I have heard this person make snide comments about religious people before.  Now, more than ever, I need my time to meditate to breathe in, to not get worked up or pissed off, to stay centered and enlightened.  It’s amazing how many people are anti-religion and how those of us who pracitice a faith are considered two-headed monsters.

Which leads me to a workshop at the end of the month.  Yangsi Rinpoche is giving a talk on The Good Heart on Friday, March 28 at New Renaissance Book Store.  I made a note to myself to reserve my spot tomorrow.  Yangsi Rinpoche is a recognized reincarnate lama in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition.  He is the author of Practicing the Path: A Commentary on the Lamrim Chenmo and the President and Founder of Maitripa Institute in Portland.  I went to the website today and made a note to sign up for the next Discovering Buddhism course, which seems like a wonderful introductory course.

As I began writing this, I sipped on my Yogi Bedtime tea.  The tea tag reads:  Empty yourself and let the universe fill you.  That’s very Zen.  And I was slowly unwinding.  I did 10 sun salutations this evening, along with about 20 minutes of strength training.  I miss yoga.  I wish there was a studio closer to my home offering vinyassa, or the ‘hot’ yoga.  It’s frustrating that I have to drive all the way to the Pearl for this.  While I like Yoga Pearl, it is always too full.  And I prefer taking yoga classes with just women.  Oh, in my perfect imaginary world I’d have a bright yoga studio in Tigard, near Bridgeport Village, just for women!  And it would include a spa with the sounds of running water and candle light and peace abounding in every corner, in every inch of energy-pleasing space.  It would be a wellness center.  Too bad the old Wild Oats couldn’t be converted!

I sent an email to the agent who requested my manuscript, trying to get a sense of the status of her review.  I was on the fence if I should send a couple query letters out to other agents, or not.  I’m still so new at this and I’m just trying to find my way.  My objective is to get this book published, so I need to learn how to make that possible.  She mentioned that the book needs a lot of work, but that I should continue querrying other agents.  So, she kindly declined representing me and my book. 

I’m now trying to figure out how I am supposed to grow from this.  I emailed back and asked her for advice – if I should seek an editor to help me get this work ready for publishing.  I know the book needs work.  It’s my first novel!  I’d love to know how many successful, classic writers whipped out a golden, fine-quality finished book their first time around without edits?  I know I need to edit this book.  But, do I hire an editor or hope an agent reads it, sees its potential, pitches a publisher so that I get assigned a brilliant editor to help me shape it into a beautiful work it so deserves to become??  I hate this.  I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.  And I’m so tempted to just burn it and give up.

I’m stuck in my cocoon.  It’s tight, sticky and I’m sick of being in it already.  I want so much to become a butterfly.  But I need help.

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Day 161: The Continued Dialog of the Path to Enlightenment

Sunday, February 24
9:19 p.m.

To summarize the weekend, I only need to began with the Tibetan Buddhism talk I attended on Friday night, setting the tone for a very deep weekend, to say the least.  So, yesterday I participated in a half day of a workshop that continued the dialog that begun on Friday, followed by a lively and enjoyable dinner with the visiting Rinpoche.  I only learned of the weekend retreat on Friday, and so I couldn’t make the time for the full 2-day (4 parts) sessions, so I was content with getting in at least one session. 

I realized I wrote freely about the Rinpoche who led the Tibetan Buddhism talks here in Portland this weekend, and I neglected to define what a Rinpoche is, asserting that most readers are not necessarily plugged in.  Rinpoche literally translates to “precious one”.  It’s a title honoring incarnate lamas and eminent spiritual teachers, and is used at the end of the teacher’s name.   The Rinpoche is considered a reincarnate of a great teacher.

So, I am in my infant stages of understanding Tibetan Buddhism, and I’m not altogether sure what’s drawing me in to it.  I thought, very briefly, that perhaps I would have a calling to become a Pema, or a nun.  Which, I know is not my dharma, or path to enlightenment.  I then thought perhaps I would end up adopting a daughter from Tibet – I have this intense pull to go there.  I don’t know why.  I have never been one to seek things out – love, religion – to make myself feel whole, complete or happy.  I have been one of the lucky ones who happens to simply find happiness from within.  I am content with my faith as a Catholic.  I do admit there are things that I don’t agree with the Catholic Church, when it comes to the order and politics of the Church, but I like ritual, I like the ceremony, and I feel really good after attending an uplifting Mass.

I am not a theologian so I will not even begin to try to speak or, in this case, write as an expert on religion.  I am a humble, spiritual human being trying to feel closer to God, trying to find enlightenment, contentment, and compassion.  My work here on earth is to understand my gifts and how I am to use them to help make this world a better place.  That’s really what we must all do, but, unfortunately, most will not take the time to search for their purpose.  Western culture, especially American, more or less puts people in social paths already formed and people seem to just go along with this – whether it’s in following corporate America, traditional occupations, and traditional roles.  I’m not knocking these roles.  But, I wonder how different the world would be if we didn’t all succumb to what’s expected of us and, instead, meditate and pray to find out what our purspose is.  Acting out the many roles we have as human beings is not the same thing as finding our primary purpose in life.  For example, I could attain the roles of wife, mother, girl scout troop leader, Sunday school teacher, and so on.  But my purpose is something altoghter different.  It is sacred.  It has everything to do with my very specific God-given talents, understanding that God created me as a unique, special human being, with the intention for me to use those unique, special gifts and talents to make the world a better place.  We all have the capacity to do this because we were all born with specific gifts and talents that God wants us to use.  And this isn’t a religion-specific notion. 

Anyway, so much of my time is spent contemplating, pondering, praying, meditating – and really, I learned my purpose a long time ago.  Which is the good news!  That’s cracking half the code.  Now, I must figure out the path I am to take toward being useful, toward making a difference.  Clearly, I am searching for ways to make my writing tangible, uplifting, and useful.  I hope that others read what I write and feel something – moreso, I hope that what I write can help people and bring positive energy, positive thought and, as a result, positive action in others’ lives – that it regenerates positive energy, that it continues to promote peace, enlightenment and compassion, constantly paying it forward.

I think Tibetan Buddhism practice is helping me to realize my purpose and find ways to best express myself, understand what it is I am to share with others, and truly live and share a compassionate, peaceful, enlightened life.  That sounds all lovely, but it is hard work.

At the moment, I am making connections with my religious faith, Catholocism, and my spiritual path toward dharma, and I really feel like there’s a golden confluence of Catholocism and Tibetan Buddhism, or simply Buddhism, in a spiritual sense.  For one, by observing practices, both faiths share a common use of incense; candles; malas (prayer beads used in meditation and prayer in Buddhism) and rosary beads (prayer beads used in Catholic devotions); mystics; ritual and ceremony.  Both religions have a hierarchical system of spiritual orders (monks/priests/nuns).  More often, Catholicism is related to Zen Buddhism, but more and more Tibetan Buddhism is compared.  This makes me think of trappist monks…

Anway, the topic has been addressed, see Zen Buddhism & Catholocism by Anthony E. Clark and Carl E. Olson.

I learned that Ippolito Desideri was a pioneer in the Tibetan Buddhism-Christian dialog back in the 1700′s.  Desideri was an Italian Jesuit priest and a scholar of the Tibetan language and missionary.   So Catholics and Tibetan Buddhists had been engaged in philosophical and theological conversations since the 18th Century.

I am curious if it’s possible to be both a devout Catholic and a Tibetan Buddhist?  Is religion so closed and tightly administered that there’s no possibility to open one’s heart, mind and soul beyond one thought?  Here is my conundrum.  I love being Catholic.  I love my faith.  I don’t want to feel like I’m betraying it or turning my back on Christ and, my favorite, the Madonna, by learning new concepts that are actually helping me to feel closer to God, to humanity.  I don’t see how this could possibly be a bad thing.  I didn’t address it with Rinpoche on Saturday evening, though I wanted to.  It didn’t seem appropriate for me to take up his time with my personal questions.  And, equally, I’d love to chat with my cousin Vincent, a Dominican priest in New York City.  I really want to understand how these two theologies and practices can co-exist in my life without me feeling like I have to drop one for the other. 

Either way, I am on to some great revelation, some greater understanding of why I am here and how I will be able to be more useful.  I am content with that, I feel light in knowing things will all just work out. 

I considered my brief conversation with Rinpoche at dinner last night.  I was curious about the role of Pema (Buddhist nun) and I had been reading a bit of Pema Chodron’s writings.  Because I am a writer, I thought maybe there’s a calling here that I am to find (plus, as I’m getting older, I’m not so sure the role of wife is in the cards, I’m not convinced I want to be a wife, so could that mean nun??).  He shook his head in opposition.  He flat out said, no.  So that was that.  And he explained in his broken English that I first needed to learn how to meditate, that it takes great discipline to get into the practice of meditating 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours at night.  Which, is true.  It’s still a challenge for me to get through 15 minutes!  And this isn’t just close your eyes and relax meditation – this is complete blank, empty space – no thoughts, no voices in your head, no distraction – just blank.  Not easy.  He was blunt, he said it wasn’t my path.  If any one would know if being a Pema is on my path, this man would know – he’s a reincarnate!  But he said he’d be happy to talk to me and help me find my way to learning, understanding and practicing tantra to get to a place of enlightenment, compassion and peace.

Clearly, I’m not there yet.  But, I think I’m on the right path… 

So, rather than go to the second day of Tibetan Buddhism teachings today, I went to my steady 11:00 Mass at St. Mary’s Cathedral.  The Mass was about water and how important it is to Catholics, symbollic in baptism, holy water used in service and in a basin at the entrance of the church (for parishoners to dip into when giving the sign of the cross upon entering and exiting the church).  The priest’s word reminded me of Buddhist teachings on nature.  I closed my eyes during the many choruses gloriously sang by the choir and meditated.  I looked at the beautiful stained glass windows while listening to the priest teach the parish to love one another, to live in peace.  And while I was beginning to feel good about my faith again, it was time for communion.  And I was disconnected once again. 

About a month ago the priest there told me that I could not receive a gluten-free host at this church because it was their belief that there has to be some leavened wheat.  I was denied the opportunity to practice the most sacred part of Mass – receiving communion, the symbollic body of Christ.  It was like being excommunicated.  Rules, rules, rules!  As if God would deny his people, those of us with Celiac disease, a condition with no cure but to follow a strict, challenging gluten-free diet.  I am saddened and discouraged by this parish’s neglect of a growing population of Catholics.  It is as if we are not welcome to share in this symbollic ritual; but, we are welcome to suffer through the toxic ingestion of a regular host, or we can sip from the chalice of wine which, upon lip after lip of neighbors with who-knows-what kind of germs they’re leaving on the rim, could possibly make me sick anyway.  Celiac is an autoimmune disease, so I am avoiding anything that might compromise my health.

We have such a long way to go with food allergy education.  The church cannot allow this discrimination.  This could possibly be the final straw that makes me turn my back on the Catholic Church.  And here I made a capital campaign pledge of $100 to the Archdiocese of Portland – the same Archdiocese that’s denying my participation in the sacrament of Holy Communion.  I may have to write a letter…

So, tonight before I went to bed I burned some sandalwood incense, I turned down the lights, I lit four or five candles, I pulled out my Zafu meditation pillow and I meditated for fifteen minutes without a thought in my head, without voices, without lists of things to do, just a blank space.  And it felt good.

Happy 40th Birthday to my big brother Mikey!  Peace, love and light to you today and always…

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Day 160: More on Meditation & An Evening with a Rinpoche

Saturday, February 23
10:57 p.m.

I woke up well rested today.  I did ten sun salutations.  I hadn’t been practicing yoga lately, and I thought it would be a nice way to wake up and open my day.  I fed the cats, showered then headed toward St. Johns to The Crystal Temple to sit in on the second half (Day 1) of Younge Khachab Rinpoche’s retreat on Tibetan Buddhism.  I arrived about ten minutes late and crept to the back of the room.  It was a bright room with about 25 students.  The first meditation was about five minutes long.  I did my best to block out thought, distractions and just be still, thinking about open space, open space….and I did it.  I had a clear mind for five minutes – which is not easy when you are first learning how to meditate this way.  My previous meditation was not in silence and my mind never fully went still.  I have a long way to go with my meditation, but I’ll take each baby step and celebrate each successful session.

Rinpoche then led a beautiful chant/prayer.  I quietly hummed along, as I missed the morning session and didn’t know the words.  He then spoke about meditation and began to get into the basics of tantra.  After the talk and a break, we did another five minute meditation.  This time around it was much more difficult for me to clear my mind.  My mind kept wandering.  Eventually my head would almost snap and I’d focus again, my mind going blank.  And it would last for like 45 slow seconds, then a thought would pop into my mind, or I’d readjust my legs, that were uncomfortable holding the same position.  Which made me think I need to get back into yoga.  And then snap!  My mind would go blank again.  It was bizarre.  Another prayer/chant followed. 

The great take-away I got from the day was the position of the eyes/head, depending on the time of day you meditate.  In the morning, you look upward to take in the sun and start of day; mid-day, you look straight ahead, forward; and in the evening you look downward.  So, this afternoon our heads were positioned straight ahead and even.

He mentioned we should get into the practice of meditating for two hours in a row twice a day.  Example, meditate from 6 -8 a.m. in the morning.  And then two more hours at the end of the day, like 5-7 p.m. or 9-11 p.m.  He mentioned we should shower in the morning and before going to bed. 

Finally, we read the following Precept Dedication Prayer by Shantideva, revised by His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama

May all beings everywhere,
Plagued by sufferings of body and mind,
Obtain an ocean of happiness and joy
By virtue of my merits.
May no living creature suffer,
Commit evil or ever fall ill.
May no one be afraid or belittled,
With a mind weighed down by depression.
May the blind see forms,
And the deaf hear sounds.
May those whose bodies are worn with toil
Be restored on finding repose.
May the naked find clothing,
The hungry find food.
May the thirsty find water
And delicious drinks.
May the poor find wealth,
Those weak with sorrow find joy.
May the poor find wealth,
Those weak with sorrow find joy.
May the forlorn find hope,
Constant happiness and prosperity.
May there be timely rains
And bountiful harvests.
May all medicines be effective
And wholesome prayers bear fruit.
May all who are sick and ill
Quickly be freed from their ailments.
Whatever diseases there are in the world,
May they never occur again.
May the frightened cease to be afraid
And those bound be freed.
May the powerless find power
And may people think of benefitting each
other.

After the session, one of the organizers invited the group to dinner.  I left the center feeling a little chilly.  The room was kinda cold, or perhaps my body’s temperature changed during the session.  In any case, I didn’t have a decent coat or sweater with me, so I went to REI in the Pearl and found two killer sweaters, each on sale for $19.99.  I then drove over to Plainfield’s Mayur for our dinner reservation at 6:30 p.m.  I’ve heard great things about this Indian restaurant.  I was the first to arrive and chatted with a server who wrote down the menu items that could be prepared gluten-free – they were very accomodating!

The group arrived and we went to the downstairs room next to the wine room.  It was lovely.  The organizers ordered a magnum of Burgundy and shared it with the group – which was very generous and kind.  Then all the ladies and the Rinpoche plucked the lovely fuscia-colored orchids from the table and placed them behind our right ears. 

We started off with the Dahi Wada – which they prepared gluten-free.  It’s crispy fried lentil balls in slightly spicy ginger-coriander yogurt sauce.  Instead of bread, I was given Papadums, lentils soaked and made into a paste mixed with a special masala and garlic, then rolled paper thin and fried (they were like Indian tortillas).  I ordered the prawns in a coconut sauce.  Finally, after the meal, I ordered a cup of their amazing chai tea.

It was a lovely dinner with engaging conversation from politics to travel.  I thought it was a gift to sit across from this holy man and giving teacher.  We did speak a bit about meditating.  There was mention of a dream yoga workshop up in Seattle in April.  If I am able, I will attend.  I’m really enjoying the learning and I am meeting kind, compassionate, good people.

When I got home, I was getting congested again, with a runny nose.  Oh no!  I had been cured from this for a few weeks.  There are colds and flus running rampant, but I had been so healthy.  I’m not going to let it consume me.  Hopefully I will be able to sleep soundly without it interrupting my rest.  Fingers crossed!

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Day 159: Tibetan Buddhism Evening Talk

Friday, February 22
10:03 p.m.

I was listening to Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson while I began typing this entry.  This song was the haunting climax to last season’s finale of Grey’s Anatomy (when Christina arrives in her apartment and Burke has moved out and all she can do is take off the tight wedding dress that’s literally strangling her).  All we can do is keep breathing…

Then my playlist went straight to Who Knew by Pink.  So, naturally, I got up and started dancing!  This is kind of an angry woman’s song.  Not kind of.  It is.  Or maybe a scorned woman’s lament.  A.D.D.-blogger-in-me needs to mention I love her anjou pear green dress in the video.  Gosh, in light of her recent statement about her separation with her husband of two years, this song must really strike a chord with her.  She’s way cooler than her now ex, anyway.  And that’s the end of my pop culture commentary for this entry.

On a totally diverging and deeper note, I attended an enlightening workshop this evening on Tibetan Buddhism, which continues to lead me to a reverent place of heart and mind, teaching me to let go of pain, anger “bad energy” as the teacher put it, within, and to just be happy and grateful for all of the blessings in my life.  Okay, so I am a very basic student of Tibetan Buddhism, if I may seriously call myself that.  But I am not ready to depart from my Catholic faith – at this point in my life, I do not want to foresaken my Christain roots.  I love my faith and find deep peace and spiritual meaning in it.  It certainly sustains me.  But… I am interested in the philosophical practices and teachings of Tibetan Buddhism.  From the most basic principals, Tibetan Buddhism, unlike Christianity and most other religions, doesn’t get tangled up in politics, nor does it manipulate people to have a fear-based relationship with God; rather, it instructs right from wrong without politicking and it establishes a very open relationship with God through nature.  It’s a very peaceful religion.  And how many Buddhists do you see murdering, raping, child molesting, shooting up heroin, setting up meth labs, paying for prostitiutes, and waging war?  This, alone, makes Buddhism a very powerful instrument of faith and worship, no, it’s less about worship and more about practice.

I am curious to learn more. 

The workshop I attended was sponsored by New Renaissance Book Store.   It was actually an evening talk with Younge Khachab Rinpoche, who spoke about the fundamental concepts in Tibetan Buddhism:  Sutra, Tantra and Dzogchen.  Younge Khachab Rinpoche was engaging and had a very warm way about him, a sunny laugh and a gentle disposition.  He spoke eloquently about topics like dharma and meditation and the work it takes to be a student of Tibetan Buddhism. 

He will be around for a weekend retreat at The Crystal Temple in North Portland, broken down into four sessions.  I would like to try to get at least one of the sessions.  Younge Khachab Rinpoche will expand on what the subjects he introduced tonight, and, ultimately, will make himself available and return to the Portland area oftento deepen the teachings for his students.  My question – do I wish to become a pupil?  There is desire to create a Portland Sangha (community) for learning and meditation.  Is this something for me?

After his generous talk, Younge Khachab Rinpoche looked straight at me and asked me my name.  I timidly approached him, clearly unaware of the proper customs, and told him my name.  At first he repeated Clea.  I gently corrected him and said Leah.  He repeated my name a couple of times while rocking or bowing forward.  I thanked him for the evening.  He did not reach out to anyone else, but a gentleman then quickly approached him and bantered off questions.  I backed up, realizing something special had happened.  It was a kind of spiritual connection.  I felt like he could see right through me, not exposed in vulnerablility, but it felt more like he had been expecting me.  

I plan to get to bed at a decent hour in the event that I decide to attend tomorrow’s session(s).  I won’t make it up to the Fisher Poets annual festival in Astoria this weekend, sadly.  Meantime, while I was at New Renaissance this evening, I picked up a new Nawang Khechog (Tibet musician and composer) CD collaboration with R. Carlos Nakai (Native American flutist) called Winds of Devotion.  I have been listening to their other collaborative CD, Music as Medicine, every night at bedtime to fall asleep, and I truly believe it has helped to irradicate my sinus problems.  I have been congestion free for a few weeks now.  It’s amazing.  My life literally changed over night – I feel so healthy and well!

I also picked up a copy of Stages of Meditation by the Dalai Lama which includes his teachings on how to meditate; I got the book Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron, described as “an indispensible handbook for cultivating fearlessness and awakening a compassionate heart”; and finally, I picked up The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer, a book designed to help you transform your relationship with yourself and the world around you.

These aren’t self help books, but are guides toward enlightenment and compassion, a track I have been on all my life, I think, but I’m much, much more aware of my personal need to study and practice this.  I am also dedicating at least an hour a day toward spiritual reading.  I decided these are wonderful gifts to myself.

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