Day 359: Learning to Live Love Every Day

Wednesday, September 10

Here’s how my day started.  I had to take an allergy nighttime pill last night, which knocked me out.  I mean to say, when I woke up this morning, my sheets were still tucked in – it was like a corpse slept in that bed!  I was very groggy all morning long.  I went over to the Coffee Cottage across the street, and while I was waiting for my cinnamon twist coffee, I found a used book that looked really interesting to me.  It’s called Now and Not Yet: Making Sense of Single Life in the Twenty-First Century by Jennifer Marshall, a woman who speaks and writes on cultural issues as director of domestic policy studies at The Heritage Foundation, the Washington, DC based think tank. 

The back cover read: 
“8 out of 10 young women say they’re hoping for marriage, but 3 out of 10 women are still single at 30.  The difference between life here and life hoped for can be disillusioning – and cultural changes have made single life in the 21^st century more confusing than ever.  Now and Not Yet offers guidance for navigating this new territory with purpose and contentment.  Make sense of life in the gap between expectations and reality.  Singleness may be an unexpected in-between, but it’s much more than a holding pattern.  Now and Not Yet is about making the most of the time between now and the future for which so many women hope.”

I kind of laughed at that last statement, but, whatever.  Something appealed to me.  Maybe it was the “it’s much more than a holding pattern”.

Plus, it had a nice cover, see:

 

 

A young, independent woman with a background of Paris and New York.  I was convinced it would be a relevant, engaging read.

So, I bought the book.  I thought, this could be some positive reinforcement, which I needed.  And so I walked back to my office, sat at my desk, flipped through the first pages and read:  I found myself asking Why?  Where are we going, God?  What makes us think we can demand concierge treatment from God, as though He needs to consult us about whether we’d prefer the direct or scenic route?

(Insert scratch on the record).  Huh?  God and He, what?  I flipped the book over and in very tiny, fine print it reads CHRISTIAN LIVING / WOMEN.

No good sex stories and reasons to sleep with as many men as possible before tying yourself down?!?!?!?  I’m KIDDING.  But…I just bought a “Christian Living” book??  I put it down, annoyed.  Only, there’s a pale halo of hope.  If you muddle through some of the God speak, there were some good messages and lessons.  So, I’ve decided not to return the book.  I’m still going to read it, but take it with a grain of salt.  And I am Catholic, after all.  It wouldn’t be the end of the world if I learned a good spiritual lesson or two. 

But, here’s the thing.  I decided I would focus on love for my last entries, as much as possible.  As I sat and wrote tonight, my latest issue of O, the Oprah Magazine, was sitting next to me on the sofa.  In fact, my cat Capri, one of the loves of my life, was sprawled out over it.  Just below her curved paw were the words:  

Getting Good at
LOVE
How to
- find it
- risk it
- let it go
- make it grow
- Live It Every Day

That last bullet point had my attention.  If I were to focus on the art of living love every day, I think I would be exponentially happier.  It’s simple, yet so challenging to do.  It’s truly a state of mind.   It’s all about perspective.  You can choose how you are going to feel each day.  You can let things fester and get to you, or, you can choose love.  Love your cat, love your dog.  I don’t know.  Love your tea.  I really love my tea.  But, you can really turn things around if you really try.  Really.  John Lennon got it – all we need is love; love is all we need. 

So, I’m gonna get good at love.  Thank you, Oprah, for the reminder of the necessity of that action.  You gotta put love into action to be good at it.  And that starts with loving and respecting yourself.  How to find it?  Well, again, start within.  Then ask yourself what kind of love are you looking for.  I suspect if you can answer that, you’ll soon find it.  How to risk it?  I suspect you can risk love that serves you by choosing love that serves another.  That might be a good risk.  How to let it go?  Well, think of that lovely Richard Bach quote:  If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.  How to make it grow?  Just like anything else: find fertile, rich, healthy soil; plant the seed; nourish it, shower it, give it plenty of sunshine, but let it weather every storm so that it can grow stronger; don’t over-care for it, give it a little challenge so that a little struggle will make the roots dig deeper and the branches stretch higher. 

I am no love guru.  And I know that I have a lot of work to do to live it every day.  It ain’t gonna be easy.  But maybe that’s what my journey has been all about this year.  In seeking love in all of its manifestations, my catchy, hopeful tagline, perhaps it’s more accurate to say I am learning to live love every day.  This means the responsibility and action for having love in my life is not dependent upon someone else.  That takes most a whole lifetime to figure out.

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Day 320: Shopping for Food & Wine, A Child’s Birthday Celebration & A Proposed Set-Up

Saturday, August 2

Wow.  Kerry and I stayed out later than I had intended.  It was around 1:30 when I got home and got into bed.  I slept in until 10:30, which was actually pretty nice.  I must say, I have been sleeping really good.  I have this crazy cool fan in my room that plugs in and between the reverberating hum and the cool wind it produces, I sleep like a baby.  When I woke up, both kitties were snuggled up against me.  I pet them and was just very happy.  It was a little overcast out.

I ran the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, wiped down the dining room table, then got dressed and left to run errands.  I deposited a reimbursement check at Bank of America and then headed for the northwest in Portland.  I went to New Cascadia Gluten Free Bakery and picked up four focaccia and one baguette.  I stopped by Trader Joe’s and picked up three cheeses, a triple cream Camembert named St. Andre, an Irish hard cheese and a goat cheese with herbs.  I also got heirloom grape tomatoes, two bottles of Italian wine – a Soave and a Barbera D’Alba.

By the time I got home, the sun had emerged from the clouds, which whirred eastward, and I took a mini ‘power’ nap, which was divine.  When I woke up, I got dressed for my friends’ five year old’s birthday party in Dundee.  It was a fun party.  His parents, Erik the assistant winemaker at work and his wife, my dear friend, Carolyn, made delicious sangrias.  I brought a bottle of the Elyse rose that I got when I was in Napa a year ago. 

I played with a bunch of kids, bonded with some of the parents – one couple, in particular, was bent on introducing me to their single friend who they described as: smart, thin and active, into sports, really into working out, high energy, works in sales, travels a lot, loyal good friend and looks like Justin Timberlake.  I gave them my card with my email and phone number.  They suggested hosting a party where we could meet.  But, I know how this usually goes.  People always want to set up the single girl who they don’t understand why is single.  It never happens, anyway, and that’s okay.  I don’t exactly rely on others to make my romantic life happen.  Still,  I handed over my card in that mix of what if and why not?

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Day 318: Hold Your Own Spirit

Thursday, July 31

 

“I am brave; I am bold; I can hold my own spirit.” – Yogi Bhajan (from Yogi Tea)

Today I saw a segment on the news about a Sex & The City type of documentary where thirty-something single women are redefining love – that is, dating and marriage.  There are more and more women who are rejecting tradition and choosing independent lives.  Many are not necessarily ruling out relationships, but rather, are more interested in having a special someone without being forced into an institution that they don’t believe is sustainable.  It looks really interesting to me.  It made me think of the quote above.

 

I am not against marriage.  It’s just, at this point in my life I don’t know if it’s necessary for me.  I don’t get lonely living alone.  I’m so used to it, that it’s a quiet, meditative comfort.  I actually used to get scared when I first lived alone.  Part of me worried that some bad man would break in while I was sleeping at attack me.  It was pretty irrational.  But, part of me worried that I’d get too comfortable on my own.  I don’t live in fear anymore.  And I sleep really soundly, actually. 

 

I used to have the same fantasy as every other single, heterosexual woman, the very one that was drilled into our pretty little pigtailed heads at a very tender age – that some handsome prince of a man would show up on his fiery steed and take me away, off into the sunset, where a shimmering castle awaited us, along with a closet full of designer ball gowns, Manolo glass slippers, and Harry Winston tiaras. 

 

Some women chase that dream with a fervor that’s borderline clinical.  Some women learn a different story, or create a new story. 

 

Some, like me, retell this story in this kind of fashion: smart, strong woman goes off to college, graduates, spends time in Europe, meets and falls in love with very smart, Harvard graduate, but then they break up, so she eventually moves on, then begins writing a novel, quits her corporate job to manage a wine shop, follows her passions, follows her passions, follows her passions and moves to the west coast to work for a winery, reconnects with her old love but, sadly the relationship comes to an abrupt end, she mourns but eventually gets back up and finishes her book, then, along with meditation and yoga, builds a stronger, happier, even more secure self, moves into a townhouse, by herself, decorates it just as she likes, travels, and continues to follow her passions – sometimes she’ll meet a really nice guy and date, and it will likely not turn into a happily ever after, and that’s just fine – because she has lots of friends and maybe, if it’s meant to be, she’ll find someone to share all of that good stuff with, but if not, that’s okay, too, because she can always adopt a child and write another book.

 

It’s wonderful to be able to write your own rules to this game of life.  You don’t have to color within the lines.  You don’t have to roll the dice or spin a wheel and go in the direction that you are told.  You can go freestyle.  And still get the prize at the end of the game.

 

Yeah, I am brave.  I am bold.  And I can hold my own spirit.

 

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Day 283: From Car Service to Finding Happily Ever Afters

Wednesday, June 24

This morning I headed over to the Hyundai dealership in Hillsboro to get my car serviced.  I was about 300 miles overdue for an oil change.  The service team gauged my tires (to help with better gas mileage), checked my lights, filters, breaks, etc.  Oh, and for good measure they put my Oregon plates on!  I had been driving around for about a month with my ‘new’ plates on my back seat.  I didn’t have a Phillips screwdriver the right size for the plates.  They also washed Goldie Hawn, the name I gave my little SUV when I bought her.  

I am very impressed with the level of service I get at the Hyundai dealership.  My regular oil changes and service is free of charge.  I do pay for special service at certain miles, but this is actually excellent maintenance and makes me feel assured about the safety of my little SUV.

After work, I finally got to the gym!  I was desperately needing to work out!  The previous few days of Pinot Camp basically killed my regimen.  I ran on the treadmill for 40 minutes.  It felt great to stretch my legs and get a good sweat.

After, I stretched and walked home.  I made a vegetarian taco salad for dinner, my latest favorite dinner to make.  While I ate, I watched Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette online.  I realize that it’s kind of lame that I like this show – I just find it entertaining and curious, like an anthropological study.  But I am also a romantic.  And I think, to some extent, many single women live vicariously through the brave bachelorette, DeAnna, who actually has a nice male harem to get to know. 

I admire her determination to find love.  Sure, the show is unconventional.  But, to the program’s credit, it’s the women as bachelorettes who actually have enduring relationships over the men who sign up for The Bachelor.  DeAnna is intent on finding a good man to spend the rest of her life with, and her odds are pretty good, mainly because she has made it clear as day what she wants and needs.  Her experience, in many ways, is good for many women to consider, not actually going on television in search of love, but, rather, she had her heart broken in front of millions and it’s pretty terrible that she laid her heart out on a platter for a man who, in the end, sent the platter back.  I have a feeling she’s going to have a very different experience this time around.  She seemed to have done a good job of weeding out the guys who could potentially hurt her in this round of love, further adding to her success potential.  I sincerely hope she finds love and ends up with her happily ever after.  In our cynical world, I think we need our happy endings more than ever.

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Day 273: Writing, Tibetan Phrases & Country Club Memories

Sunday, June 15

Weekends have been good to me.  I just sleep better.  I got about nine and a half hours of sleep, which was divine.  But I was admittedly sore from the driving range.  I always am when I go out for the first time each season.

I put in a load of laundry and then had a gluten-free cinnamon raisin bagel with whipped cream cheese for breakfast.  When the first load of laundry was finished, I put a bunch of my writing materials together and headed over toward St. John’s to get some work done at the Writer’s Dojo.

I parked my car and walked over to Starbucks.  On my way, I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day, to let him know how much I miss and love him, and just checked in on his day.  We chit chatted for a little and then I ordered a small bottle of Naked Mighty Mango juice smoothie and a green tea nonfat latte, my latest obsession.

After my dad and I hung up, I walked back to the Dojo and met a few people before organizing my work for the day.  I edited my blog posting from last night.  Then, I began to type my edits for the second chapter of my book.  It’s really coming along.  I am very psyched about the feedback I’ll get from my writer’s group.

At 2:00 I joined the director of the Dojo to go to a reading of a few writers at the St. John’s Booksellers.  There, I serendipitously found a pocket-sized paperback book – Tibet Phrasebook by Melvyn C. Goldstein with the help of Gelek Rimpoche and Trinley Dorje, a publication of Lonely Planet from 1987.  It’s the first edition (this link shows the second edition).  It made me have a nice little thought – that one day, when I finally get to Tibet and take in the panorama of the Himalayas, I would have this little book in my pocket.  It’s kind of a promise to myself that I will get there one day.

I’ve learned some basic phrases – like ‘I am a writer’, which is pronounced as ‘nga tsombabo yin’ and ‘I am from America’ which is translated to ‘nga amerika nay yin’.

After the reading, I returned to the Dojo.  I finished typing out the second chapter of my book.  By the time I completed the edits, I was really tired.  I left and headed toward the 405, and pulled off at the Everett Street exit.  I parked near Fenouil and sat down on a patch of inviting grass at Jamison Square Park.  It’s a lovely park with a fountain that attracts parents and their small children.  It can be either really adorable or really annoying, depending on your mood.  Today, I was somewhere in the middle.  I people-watched while working on some northwest themed poetry.

At 6:30 I talked to Susan and we decided to meet up for some Mexican food.  I picked her up at her place on the water in Sellwood and we went to Cha, Cha, Cha’s.  I was starving!  I ordered two grilled shrimp tacos in small corn tortillas, and one carnitas taco and a lime soda. 

We caught up on our weekends and chatted about the usual topic on dating, being single, the social pressures thrusted on 30-something women who are smart, independent and single, making you feel not so smart, important or successful.  Susan said it best when she mentioned that when she’s around family, with her cousins married and with kids, she often feels judged, like they must be wondering – what did she do wrong? 

I reminded her that for every single, independent, happy 30+ woman, there are two to three unhappy, unfulfilled women in bad marriages.  Point is, you can’t judge others and you can’t judge yourself.  There’s no right or wrong action or place to be.  You have to count your blessings and be happy for all that is working out in your life.  Easier said than done, but such is life.  I try to be proud of myself for making sound decisions that give my life value and purpose, irrespective of whether or not I have someone by my side to make the rest of the world feel more comfortable with and accepting of my life and my decisions.

After dinner, we drove by the Waverly Country Club.  It brought back memories of my childhood, spending my summers at the Country Club of Fairfax.  My mom would drop us off at the pool for swim team practice in the mornings while she’d go and play in the lady’s golf league.  We’d meet up for lunch either at the pool or the Club House, and then we’d play tennis in the afternoon and golf with our dad in the evenings.  My parents, especially my dad, shared their love of golf with us.

I was three hole golf champion when I was six, I was six hole champion when I was 8-10.  And by the time I was 13, I was out driving many of the ladies at our club.  At that same time, I was very aware that only boys played golf and so (stupid!) I stopped playing.  I often wonder what I could have done with golf had I not quit.  I was a natural – I had an amazing swing and the club pro used to call me little Amy, after LPGA champion Amy Alcott.  Back in the early 80′s there weren’t very many professional women golfers – I mean, Amy Alcott and Nancy Lopez were practically the only female golfers I was really familiar with.  Boy, have times changed!  Womens’ golf is so exciting now.

Anyway.  After dropping Susan off, I realized how much I’d love to share the country club experience with my own family, one day.  I have so many great memories from those summers.  It’s not essential for me, but it really is a great way to keep a family active and close.  I made so many great friends and my fourth of July’s were incredible – the Club always had an enchanting evening.  We’d run around the 9th hole, drinking Shirley temples, eating catered BBQ, getting the sparklers going, and then the fireworks were always so amazing. 

It was a nice, nostalgic moment.  While Waverly is private, I decided I’d start going to the driving range at Eastmoreland to try to get to know more single people my age who play.  It’s a really nice public course that still has the feel of a private country club.

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Day 267: A Cold Spring, the Bestest Soup Ever & the Mystery of Love

Monday, June 9

It’s been a slow recovery.  It doesn’t help that it’s been so cold out.  It’s bizarre that it’s June.  I am used to sunny, hot and humid Junes of Virginia.  This, the woeful northwest ‘spring’ is basically an extension of winter.  We get days, no, weeks of gray coolness blowing in mists from the Pacific eastward, sometimes falling to heavy rain.  It’s like March exists in April, May and now June, too.  It only clears and blossoms into summer after Independence Day, on July 5, to be specific.  As I chill to the bone with nostalgia for the random but limited days of 70 and 80 degree temperatures with sunny, blue skies, I try to be patient for a better July.

I got to work early for a meeting at the Coffee Cottage in Newberg.  After, I had about an hour to get caught up on work.  I met my co-worker at the winery for another meeting with a local chef for one of our summer wine dinners, but he had to cancel at the last minute.  Then, I drove off to Portland to meet with our designer and web administrator.  I had thirty minutes to kill and went to Taco Del Mar for corn tortilla tacos with pork and a side of black beans and rice. 

I had a long but very productive meeting, first reviewing the website and going over our next steps for ongoing improvements and redesigns, where needed.  Then I spent about two hours meeting with our designer to go over our brochure, wine club brochure, press kit folders, and matching mailing envelopes.  The over-all look is quite beautiful and it streamlines all of our materials.  I was very excited about the progress.  Finally, we looked at some packaging options for our concept wine, which will release in September.

I left their office feeling really great about the work we’ve been doing since February.  This is certainly an exciting time at work.

When I got home, I changed and went to the gym.  I walked for fifty minutes while chatting with my mom on the phone.  She had sent me another Safeway grocery gift card!  She is too generous.  I picked up my mail and headed over to Safeway for groceries. 

When I got home, I made probably one of my best batches of soup.  I heated a box of organic, free-range chicken broth and about 8 cups of water.  Next, I added fresh Thyme and lots of ground pepper.  I chopped up organic carrots and celery and added to the broth, with celery leaves.  Then, I added Swiss Chard and two small Vidalia onions.  I cleaned two ears of sweet white corn and cut each into four sections, adding them to the soup, which was nearing to a boil. 

While that was cooking, I heated a small bowl of Annie Chun’s sprouted brown rice and dumped it in a deep, large soup bowl.  Then I added some fresh chicken I sliced from a whole homestyle free range roasted chicken.  I ladled the soup over the brown rice and chicken, steaming and looking quite beautiful with the sliced carrots, greens and sections of corn on the cob.  It was delicious!

After dinner I had a Klondike Slim-A-Bear French Vanilla Bar with lowfat vanilla ice cream and a chocolate shell, with only 100 calories.  Klondike introduced the Slim-A-Bear bars and sandwiches to give consumers a variety of options that were lowfat, low calorie – for a lighter indulgence.  It was pretty satisfying.

I had a nice cup of Yogi Chamomile tea while I watched The Bachelorette.  I admit, it’s a guilty pleasure.  I can’t get over how hot these guys are or how perfect their abs are!  I mean, I respect a guy for his mind and all, but this is ridiculous.  This girl is quite lucky.  She has a pack of hot men fighting for her heart.  And here my single girlfriends and I would be happy with one date!  Dating is practically non-existent in Portland.  But, according to lifestyle coach, Jared Matthew Weiss, we need to figure out what’s holding us back and then go out and ask three men out per month.

I did get a text message from a guy we watched the Redwings games with – he asked me to meet him for a movie this week.  That’s pretty cool.  And a step.  I am really wanting to date around and see what’s out there!  At minimum, I’ll make some good guy friends.  I long for male friends – I miss having the guy buddy. 

My French ex had sent me a lovely email before the weekend, accompanied with a sweet poem he wrote for me.  The romantic part of me wondered deeply about this man.  But I kept hitting a wall with the same old conundrum.  If we wanted to see where we are today, whether or not there’s still a spark, and if we could have a happy, healthy relationship, I wondered how we could possibly do that while I was living in Oregon and he’s still in Paris, France.  I would feel totally guilty to take him away from his family, there, too.  I just don’t know if it’s logistically possible for us to come together.  I thought about reaching out to some of my friends out here who do some form of film production, I thought perhaps he could get a temporary visa, work for three months in production in Portland and stay in a furnished apartment downtown for a short-term lease.  If we were to test the waters, we would need to live separate and slowly date without pressure.

It’s a mystery.  Finding and cultivating real, balanced, good love.  Totally ambiguous.  From where it comes, to how long it stays, it’s all mystery to me.

 

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Day 262: Reclaiming My Health, Dating Mad Proper Style & Celebrating Redwings Victory!

Wednesday, June 4

Thank God.  I got a good night’s sleep – 9.5 hours worth.  I still decided to work from home because I needed to get this sinus infection out of my system.

I immediately flushed out my sinuses with my neti pot and then I took 15 drop of Wellness supplement.  The antibiotic seemed to be working.  And my temperature was back to normal.

I ate a gluten-free raisin bagel with whipped cream cheese, a cage-free, organic egg scrambled with a trio of Italian cheeses, and a glass of light, organic orange juice.  I had a cup of hot Matcha green tea with orange blossom honey.  It’s like I have a regimen for reclaiming my health!

I opened my laptop and got to work, checking email and following up on requests, general communication, scheduling appointments, etc.

Meantime, I had the television on in the background.  The Tyra Banks show came on and featured a young, good-looking lifestyle coach from New York City, Jared Matthew Weiss, who’s company Mad Proper was created to help people reach their full potential.  The topic of the show was ‘get off your butt’, and Weiss gave women all kinds of helpful tips to a number of life situations.  This was a repeat program that was originally aired back in January.

Weiss addressed a woman who complained there were no single men in her hometown.  He told her that there were single men in her town, but she was holding herself back.  He explained you have to figure out for yourself what’s holding you back from meeting someone?  It’s usually something within.  He then gave some useful tips for women to meet men, beginning with his 3-step program.  He said when you see someone you find attractive (at a bookstore, in the grocery store, etc.) you should first find out if they are single, then find out if they like you, then ask them out.  Then, he demonstrated how you do this in a role reversal roleplay with Tyra.

Hottie Weiss (pretending to be Tyra):  Hey there.  I was wondering if you are single?
Lucky Tyra (pretending to be Weiss):   Uh, yeah??
Hottie Weiss:  Cool.  Because I think you’re really cute.  My name is Tyra.
Lucky Tyra:  Oh, hey.  I’m Jared.  You know, you’re pretty attractive, yourself.
Hottie Weiss:  Cool.  Well, maybe we could go grab a cup of coffee sometime.
Lucky Tyra:  Let’s skip the coffee and go right to dinner… (or something to that effect)

But the point was he told women out there to get over their fears or old-fashioned ideals and ask a guy out!  In fact, Weiss challenged all the single women in the audience to ask out three men every month.  That doesn’t seem too difficult…I think. 

I saw the cutest guy at Powell’s on Sunday and I just didn’t have the confidence to say or do anything.  I just stared at him while he was seated in the home improvement section, flipping through a book, looking so cute in his army green cadet/military style cap.  My first thought was, wow, that guy can fix things.  Then I told myself the dude must be married.  He’s too cute and he’s in the home improvement section.  Taken already. 

But I did exactly what Weiss said we need to stop doing!  Stop assuming the guy out there is married, or must have a girlfriend because he’s so cute, or wouldn’t be interested in you because you’re  too short.  Go introduce yourself!  I wish I had seen this episode before seeing this cutie in Powell’s.  The challenge for me will be to see if I can actually take Weiss’s advice and approach a cute guy in this kind of situation.  Not my comfort zone.  I am traditional, old school, I like to be courted.  But, whatever.  I can change.

Then the day seemed to fly by.  At 5:00 p.m. I tuned into the Stanley Cup game.  It was an exciting game.  Meantime, I was on the phone with my mom who for the past two days had been in and out of the basement closet with my dad and our dog, Cricket, during tornado warnings in the mid-Atlantic.   Crazy!

I made a Glutino brand gluten-free personal sized pizza with spinach, feta, ricotta and mozzarella.  I drizzed some olive oil on it before baking it on the top rack.  It wasn’t very good.  I think I needed to let it bake a little longer.

The Red Wings ended up winning the game and, thus, won the Stanley Cup.  

 

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Day 248: My Mother, The Greek & Tibetan Buddhist Philosopher?

Wednesday, May 21

Today my mother called me out on my bad behavior.  I was on the phone with her at once celebrating the fact that I got a partial scholarship to attend the Fishtrap summer writer’s workshop and gathering, then soon turned to complaining about my financial stresses.  The thing is, I’m hung up on the fact that I’m 34, still single, and still having to do everything on my own.  Most of my friends are either married or live with a significant other, and therefore share all expenses -rent/mortgage/ insurance, car payment/car insurance, utilities, food, cable, eating out, going out, traveling, and so on.  I am envious of those who have a partner, who have more money to live on because they’re not trying to do it all alone.  And it’s not that I’m trying to do it alone.  I’m just stubborn.  And extremely focused on my work and building a life that suits me.

My mother finally stopped me and said quite plainly, “maybe you’d meet someone if you weren’t so angry.”

She hit a nerve.

I wasn’t upset with her.  Well, actually, I kind of was, at first.  I think I blurted out something uncouth like, “you’re right, mom, I’m an a-hole.”  I repeated that a couple of times, I think.  I was more than kind of acting like one.

But then her statement actually hit me.  She was so right.  I didn’t want to admit it, but deep down I had already owned my truth.  I have been angry.  And tired from trying to be an independent, successful woman.  I never wanted to be the woman who needed a man, who wanted to be taken care of and I wonder…can I change my mind? 

Somehow I got deep and snuggly into my down comforter of protection, more like a defense mechanism, after having been so deeply hurt by the last man I fell in love with.  I don’t ache for that relationship anymore, but I am certainly still angry.  Not in a “I hate all men” kind of way.  Rather, I’m angry about the details of that relationship – that he ditched the relationship, that he was a coward, that he never once thought about my feelings.  Is it so wrong to want to be loved, respected, and treated with dignity in a relationship?  Perhaps it was a stretch for him, to think beyond himself, but I don’t think I deserved to be left alone in the dark after I put my heart out there.  I know people get their hearts broken every day, and maybe everyone else in the world bounces back.  But it’s been two and a half years and I’m still angry. 

I can’t put all the blame on him.  I’m just as angry with myself.  I was so emotionally involved in that relationship that I never saw the signs that he was having personal issues that deemed him unable to carry on in the relationship.  Worse, I really thought we were good, happy and headed for the happily ever after.  He never gave me any reason to think otherwise, really.  But what really terrifies me was that while I was in the midst of that relationship, I was totally incapable of knowing that the person I loved didn’t love me back.  How could I have been so certain as to start planning my wedding day with this man, while he was somewhere else.  I’m a level-headed girl.  I don’t get carried away.  In fact, I’m usually the one bolting before getting too close – I have been a perennial commitment phobe.  But he was the one that I was willing to take the fall for…

My mother was right.  It’s time for me to let go of all of that anger that I’ve pent up deep down inside and release it.  It hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  I don’t need it anymore.  When I think about the teachings of Pema Chodron and the Rinpoche, about peace, compassion and enlightenment, it’s clear that I have achieved those very same gifts from listenting to my mother.  She has always been the one who’s the most honest with me and who is totally invested in my happiness.  There’s no one on the planet who loves me as much as she does, and for as long as I live, I’ll never again know such deep, unconditional love.  It has given me strength and joy.

But, I realize the sacredness, no, the power of simply being able to give and receive love.  See, I may not have received the love I longed for from my ex, but I was given the gift to be able to love him unconditionally, truly and deeply.  One sided or not, it was a gift.  How could I possibly derrive anger from something that has given me so much?  Fear was the only answer.

It seems I’m not really angry at all, but afraid.  I took quite a fall.  I could blame him all I want.  He tripped me.  He pushed me down.  But that wasn’t really the case.  Or, if it were, it really doesn’t matter anymore.  There’s a Buddhist principle that no one can make you feel something, only you can make yourself feel something.  We have the power to choose how we respond and take in the world around us.

My good friend, Epictetus, who was born into slavery about A.D. 55 in the eastern outreaches of the Roman Empire, and was eventually freed and lifted himself from his humble beginnings to establish a distinguished school of philosophy, wrote the excerpt “No One Can Hurt You” in his classical manual on virtue, happiness and effectiveness (and the art of simple living) in The Art of Living:

People don’t have the power to hurt you.  Even if someone shouts abuse at you or strikes you, if you are insulted, it is always your choice to view what is happening as insulting or not.  If someone irritates you, it is only your own response that is irritating you.  Therefore, when anyone seems to be provoking you, remember that it is only your judgment of the incident that provokes you.  Don’t let your emotions get ignited by mere appearances.

Try not to merely react in the moment.  Pull back from the situation.  Take a wider view; compose yourself.

Okay, so I’m a little behind on composing myself.  But, I am taking a wider view and I am going to make a commitment to fully release the judgements.  I’ll check in with my mother to see if I’ve made any progress!

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Day 199: Gigs for Cash, Grocery Gift Cards & Rich in Solitude

Wednesday, April 2
9:37 p.m.

So I have decided to do some casting calls to make some extra cash – both in print photo shoots (oh, nothing glamourous – just local businesses needed a thirty-something, attractive wife sitting at a banker’s desk with her husband, or at a computer in an office) and as an extra in locally shot films.  I need to beef up my savings account.  I used to model in DC back in the 90′s – again, just local stuff.  I’m hoping to do some head shots – for local skin products (all natural markets, etc.).  I was an extra in a few movies filmed in DC, including The Replacements , which was filmed at the Baltimore Ravens stadium, starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman.  And when I worked for PBS, back in 1998, I was on-air talent (reading from the teleprompter) for the satellite service pledge drives, which reached a few million viewers – the programs I did the pledge drive for included a Mary Chapin Carpenter concert, a Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band reunion tour show, and a kid’s programming special called Peter, Paul & Mommy, too (featuring Peter, Paul & Mary).  So, we’ll see what we get.  I’m hoping if I can get a few gigs here and there, I can free myself of the pressure to perform in my writing, so that I can enjoy the process and focus on my craft – not the results or the price per word.

In the meantime, I was flattered to get contacted by a journalism student today who came across my blog and wants to interveiw me for an article she’s writing on blogging.  It will be good practice.

I read an article on WordPress.com last night reporting two bloggers who got book deals for their blogs – one of them got a $300K advance!  It’s time to start thinking about finding a developmental editor!

After a very busy day of work, I went home to change for the gym and ran to the grocery store with the gift card my mom sent me.  Yes, she sends me gift cards to grocery stores.  I tell her she shouldn’t do it – but, she feels badly about the cost of my gluten-free diet and wants to encourage me to eat healthy, organic fruits and vegetables and whole, gluten-free grains.  The woman was a dietitian for years, I can’t stop her.  I’m not a mother, but I suppose once you are, you never stop wanting to mother your children.  And my mother isn’t the controlling, intefering kind, rather she just wants to do everything she can to ensure her children are happy and healthy.  I appreciate her gestures, even if I do feel badly that she’s spending money on me that she could be spending on herself.

At the gym, I ran on the treadmill for thirty minutes then went home and made myself a beautiful salad of organic baby romaine lettuce, red, orange and yellow baby peppers, red onion, carrot shavings, pecans, and yellow and red grape tomatoes with a lite, homemade honey mustard dressing and then I sauteed broccolini in olive oil with chopped garlic, pine nuts and lemon juice, which I topped with parmesan.  I had a tall glass of water with a fresh slice of lime.  It was fresh and tasty.  My mother would have approved.

 I had a cup of Yogi India Spice tea afterwards.

Well after the food had settled, I meditated for 15 minutes.  I have been trying to stop stressing, to come up with sensible, creative solutions to take care of myself, financially, and to get more disciplined about making the most of my workouts, eating well-balanced meals (small portions), sticking to a yoga and strength training program, all to get balanced. 

I embrace myself – my single, happy, soon to be balanced and enlightened self.

It’s funny.  After I engage in activites and practices that are supposed to help me to acheive balance and enlightenment, I have closed myself off from the idea of partnering up, getting hitched, looking for a man.  I don’t look for men.  I hate the idea of seeking out love, because it seems to me that if you are actively looking for it, then there’s something inside of you that’s terribly lacking to send you out in the world to seek an idea of happiness in the form of another person.  I just won’t do it.  Being lonely is not a reason to search for the love of your life.  And I’m still not sold on the idea that there’s just one love in a lifetime.  So, you live your life to the fullest and resolve what has you so scared about being alone (as if being solo is like having the plague).  

Anyway, I am comfortably alone and not seeking love.  I’m not 100% closing off the idea of falling in love, but, it will have to find me.  Which may sound like a contradiction to this whole blog.  The thing is, my 365 Days Until Love search may have started with a starry-eyed concept of finally being ready for love.  But, perhaps I was wrong.  I mean, that was only the beginning.  And, besides, are we ever truly ready for love?  Or does good love come when you least expect it, when you least want it, when you are making big plans for your wonderfully solo life?  Hell if I know.  But, I suspect much of this journey of journaling through a year of my life has led me to identifying certain patterns – and looking back from the beginning, reading along what I have written, I see many subtle changes in my mindset and even in the direction of the path I’m headed down.  The quest for enlightenment and compassion only evolved in the new year, not from the beginning.  I have been able to experience the causes of my own illnesses prompted by stress – mostly my bouts of congestion.  So, I have experienced optimum health when I am happy, relaxed and balanced.  And as soon as I got stressed again, the congestion is back on and I’m riddled with physical tension.  So, I have seen the power of the results – I just have to get disciplined in my practices.

By writing through the mundane, I have learned some extraordinary things about myself, that I am not seeking the kind of life that has so many trying to keep up with the Joneses, where I am culturally obligated to marry, work hard to make a lot of money so that I can buy really cool things, and a huge house that my husband and I can’t really afford, then pop out 2.5 kids, go nuts trying to balance work and my crazy family, to the point where I am exhausted, unhappy and unfilled, but I have to lie to myself and the world that I am happy, balanced and fulfilled or else I’d be a terrible mother - and that is the worst thing a woman can be, worse than a prostitute servicing government officials. 

I mean, if that happens, it happens, and I’m sure I’ll learn a lot more about myself – certainly in setting boundaries!

I would be remiss not to mention the eel that I had met back in October, when I first returned to Oregon.  I didn’t take that encounter seriously, well, because he left two days later to move to San Francisco.  Oddly, I get random emails, including one today, as part of a group forward.  I appreciate the gesture, of being included when the email is an informative one like the one I received today.  But, well, I couldn’t help but wonder, why do some men orbit  your atmosphere?  I mean, what’s the point?  I can’t exactly be friends with someone who I don’t really know, who lives that far away, right?  There’s definitely attraction, but, again, what’s the point?  I kind of feel like if the eel wanted to hang with the salmon, he’d swim upstream for a visit and test out the waters, so to speak.  So, by the grace of logic, I have figured that one out.  I think.  The eel isn’t interested in swimming with the salmon right now, but the eel is interested in keeping in touch with the salmon just in case a climatic change occurs where the eel and salmon might be swimming in the same waters.  Meantime, the salmon is happily swimming in her clear, temperate, safe stream.  (note: if you’re reading this and you’re confused about the eel and the salmon, you’ll have to go back to the beginning of this blog to understand).

I would have to meet someone exceptional, someone who just exceeds my expectations exponentially before I am willing to let go of that comfort and safety – someone who’s going to arrive without a search party reeling him in.  Someone who I meet serendipitously in a moment of synchonicity.  Otherwise, I’m just not interested.  And this isn’t necessarily directed to the eel.

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