Day 274: Afternoon at the Zoo, Pigtails on the Driving Range & A Writer’s Woes

Monday, June 16

The weather has been amazing with blue, sunny skies and warm temps.  I was in a great mood.  I went to work for a few hours in the morning, to get through some imminent deadlines.  Then I enjoyed lunch with a few of my co-workers before finishing up my day in the office before heading out to the zoo to help my co-worker pour our wines for our distributor’s northwest wines tasting for the local trade.  There was a pretty good turnout and I saw several colleagues – it was nice to catch up with familiar faces in the Portland food and wine world.  It would have been even more nice if I could have seen some of the animals at the zoo.  There were a bunch of wild rugrats running all over the place on my way out, all on their final leg, soon to tucker out, and I decided that was animal enough for me.

After, I scooted on home to change, put my hair in pigtails, and get to the Tualatin Island Greens golf center.  I bought a new glove and a medium bucket of balls.  I went through my drills, confident in my consistency.  Only my second time out since September, I was pleased with the level of improvement in my swing since my great lessons last summer and fall.  I challenged myself to reach a pin about 85-90 yards ahead.  All five of my shots ended up within 2-5 yards of the pin.  I don’t have a driver, but I use my 3 wood for my long tee shots.   I consistently hit five balls straight down the fareway for about 275 yards  (where each ball eventually rolled and ended).  I was pretty psyched – and all because I was consistent.  My challenge on the course has often been figuring out the right club and knowing how long and consistent I’d need to hit that club.  I finally felt like I’m getting a better feel for each club and for my ability to successfully hit each club.  It’s a pretty cool discovery.

I then drove to Safeway in King City to pick up some groceries.  I was in the mood for a taco salad – for it, I bought fresh tomatoes from Canada (no salmonella scare there – these maters had been cleared); butterleaf lettuce with radicchio; pitted black olives; a colorful medley of organic peppers; organic tortilla chips and a can of organic black beans.  I bought a nice cilantro and garlic chipotle salsa that I knew would make for a nice ‘dressing’.  I already had a Mexican blend of cheeses at home.

I also bought local organic raspberries that looked amazing; white nectarines; gluten-free waffles; lite orange juice; organic pickles to take with me to work for lunch; and a couple of Amy’s frozen gluten-free bowls.  I love grocery shopping, so I get a sense of great accomplishment when I write up my shopping lists and cross them off as I pick out the items on the list.  I get a recycled sense of accomplishment when I type it out, too.  I know, I really need to find a new hobby.

I unloaded the groceries and immediately made my taco salad.  It was more than satisfying.  It was everything I needed to end my perfectly happy day.  Good flavors, sustenance, just the right portion, and just the right balance of crunchy and soft and supple.  The butterleaf was the perfect lettuce to use.  I had a small glass of orange juice to go with it.

An hour or so after dinner I did about 150 crunches.  I finished with a cup of Yogi Chamomile tea and relaxed. 

I didn’t get any writing done – I wanted to work on my book edits and some of the northwest themed poetry I’ve been writing.  I had been thinking a lot about food for some of my poems, with nettles and fiddlehead ferns topping my list of poetic vegetation.  But writing, more than anything else in my life, can’t be forced.  I need to figure out how to better balance my day to fit in my job, exercise, golf, cooking and yes, when able, writing.  It’s a challenge to dedicate the time I need for my writing.  I try not to let this get me down and, instead, aim to be proactive with the time I do get.  It’s always all about striking a balance.  Which is normally exhausting just thinking about it.  I fantasize about having more time, all of the time.  And cash.  I’m just sayin.

 

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Day 260: Working in Portland, A New Baby Cousin, Vinyassa Yoga & Fighting A Cold?

Monday, June 2

Deep breath.  Om.  Stretch.  Breathe.  I was a little congested this morning.  So I had to make an effort to take in deeper, clearer, meditative breaths.

After I got out of bed, I got online for work.  I checked my emails, responded to different requests, edited some copy for our brochure, then got ready to leave for an appointment and also to drop off wine downtown.  On my way out, I had to take a Claritan-D.  I was very congested and my eyes were itchy and watering up.  I kept sneezing.  Must be allergies.  Or…the non-allergic rhinitis condition I supposedly had.  I’m still not convinced it’s not just plain allergies.

First, I drove up to Killingsworth to meet with the Chef at Autentica.  It was an engaging meeting about an event we’re going to do at the winery.  After, I dropped off wine with the Oregon Wine Board for media and event samples. 

I had a late lunch with a colleague at Andina.  I love Andina because they have amazing, unique cuisine and they have a gluten-free menu.  I had a glass of the sweet lime juice, instead of bread they gave me fried yuca with spicy verde sauce, and then I had the small plate of mixed greens with fresh vegetables (which included hearts of palm and asparagus with a zingy lime dressing), and then the rich avocado stuffed with crab and shrimp. 

After lunch I checked my work emails and worked on our wine club logo.  And then I found out my cousin gave birth to a baby girl, Natalie Hope, weighing in at 8 pounds even.  This was my cousin’s first daugther after two sons.  I was so excited!  I called her in the afternoon, thinking I’d get her voice mail, but was delighted she picked up.  It was so good to hear her voice.  I felt so happy for this wonderful blessing.

I then headed over to Yoga Pearl.  I was going to do it.  I was going to drop in on a yoga class!  This would be my first class since this fall (I think!).  I was going to the Vinyassa class, which was really hard!  It’s a 90 minute class, and when it started I was feeling pretty good.  I got there early and unrolled my mat and stretched out and started working on my breathing.  The initial positions were slow movements, the usual positions.  But half way through the class I was sweating as if it were the Power Vinyassa class with the room temperature heated at 95 degrees.  But, no, I was just getting a hard workout.  I kept pushing myself, even though my weak ankles sometimes wobbled (I had chronic ankle sprains from previous sports injuries).  At one point I wondered if I would make it all the way through the class.  I didn’t realize how out of shape I was.  But I persevered.  And I made it through the challenging class.  I was so proud of myself! 

When it was over, I was soaked with sweat, exhausted and my throat was pretty sore.  I felt like I had unleashed so many toxins in this deep, intense and balancing exercise that perhaps I got a cold?  I drank a little water on my way home.

It had occurred to me that I wasn’t working myself hard enough in my gym workouts.  It took me to be pushed hard as I was this evening to see just how much I had been coasting along with light bicycle workouts, walking or jogging on the treadmill, even if I was going for 40 minutes.  After this great workout, I decided I would work out harder, all around.  I had lost some muscle tone and wanted to get my strength and endurance back.

On my way home, I stopped by Crate & Barrel to pick up hurricane lamps that were on sale for work.  When I left it started to rain.  And by the time I drove the four miles home, my throat was killing me.  I went upstairs and grabbed a Ricola throat losenge.  And then I took a very relaxing, aromatherapy shower.  For a moment, I felt better.  I was clear.  But it didn’t last for long. 

About thirty minutes later, after I made myself vegetable soup for dinner, my throat was killing me again.  I made a cup of Matcha green tea, which is loaded with antioxidants, with a teaspoon of orange honey.   I had been downing large glasses of water to cleanse out all of the toxins I had loosened up from yoga.  And I took a dose of Wellness herbal resistance drops as an additional safeguard. 

It’s weird.  I felt tremendous from my yoga workout and yet got home only to feel sick.  The sore throat could easily have been a symptom of my allergy-like symptoms – from the post nasal drip and hard, dry breathing (without water intake) during the yoga class.  Or, I was fighting a cold. 

Irrespective, I had another throat losenge, continued to drink more water, and heated up my aromatherapy neck wrap to soothe and relax.  I kept blowing my nose, which was in one part really congested, to the point I could feel clogging in my ears, and then getting runny.  I felt crappy.

I worked on the haiku I wrote for my sister, putting it in a customized, pretty design that I planned to frame and mail out to her.  This kept me relaxed while I tried to breathe and feel better.

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Day 247: Taking Care; Staying Focused and Mindful; & Feeling Gratitude

Tuesday, May 20

I woke up to a cool, rainy morning.  My windows were open and the room was refreshing.  I did not sleep very well last night – part of the blame was that I couldn’t get comfortable, the other part my “allergies”.  So, I allowed myself ample time to wake up.  My sinuses were still killing me, my eyes were swollen, red and itchy. 

I kept progressing with some major projects in the queue for work.  I have been really pleased with the design work I’ve been coming up with, and thus have enjoyed the process.  The day flew by with very focused work.

I am pleased with my diet, as well.  I had a gluten-free cereal blend for breakfast, including Perky’s Nutty Flax and Enjoy Life’s Cinnamon Crunch Granola topped with fresh, organic strawberries and Silk Light Vanilla soy milk.    I had a cup of Yogi Detox tea mid-morning, as I read in a naturopath’s newsletter the need for spring cleansing and detoxification.  For lunch I enjoyed a can of Pacific Food’s Organic Savory Chicken & Wild Rice Soup and a bottle Vitamin Water.  For a snack, I had an organic local apple spread with Kettle brand crunchy peanut butter.  Finally, for dinner I had the second half of my Amy’s rice crust pizza with fresh organic buffalo mozzerella, yellow tomato and basil.  I also had a small organic Romaine salad with red cabbage, grape tomatos, sweet yellow pepper, pumpkin seeds.  I drank about 7 glasses of water and finished my evening with a cup of Yogi’s Bedtime tea.

Focus is my mantra.  I am making a concerted effort to improve my diet, to follow it carefully and to forego dining out, if needed to insure gluten-free relief.

My belly remains slightly swollen.  I have the dermatitis herpetiformis, the associated rash with Celiac disease.  It’s on my belly, on my shoulders, on my forearms and hands, and on the inside of my knees.  Luckily, it’s not too bad.  I’m not depressed, and I haven’t really had anxiety, other than that which comes with financial stress.  The incline of the price of gas doesn’t help – there was one station in the region that climbed up to $3.99 a gallon.  This is very troubling to me.  I’m going to start seeking coupons online and I’d really like to garden this summer to save some money, as well.

After work I went to the gym and got on the exercise bike for 40 minutes.  I hadn’t had a cardio workout in a few days, so this was really nice.  It felt good to get the bloodflow going.

I tried to organize my writing – I am trying to send off some prose and poetry for publication.  My hope is to make some extra cash and build my resume of published work.  I feel really good about the quality of my latest work.

In the spirit of doing nice things for myself, I decided to take a shower this evening.  Okay, that might sound weird.  But I never take showers at night.  And that’s not good.  It’s vital to rinse of the dirt and oils from the day.  I remember Rinpoche this spring mentioned this was very important when practicing Tibetan Buddhism.  It’s a meditative, respectful way to end your day, to cleanse your body and spirit.  I was having significant congesion, runny nose, sinus pressure and itchy, swollen eyes.  The evening shower really helped to clear me.

After drying off, I applied a comforting Derma-E moisturizing, antiseptic cream with tea tree oil and vitamin E to my body, especially where my rash has been.  It was very soothing.  I applied an herbal, organic facial mask and sat on the sofa with a heated lavendar-rosemary-sage shoulder wrap, an aromatherapy, heat-massaging pillow.   This was good.  This was very, very good.  I breathed in slowly, meditatively, mindfully.

I watched the evening news to see the results for today’s elections.  For the primaries, Obama took Oregon, Clinton took Kentucky.  Obama is a couple hundred electorial pledged delegates’ votes ahead, marking a milestone.  I am disappointed for Hillary, and for American women, but it ain’t over just yet.  Either way, this is by far the most exciting political election I have ever experienced!  History is in the making and change is certainly on the cusp.

Another interesting election was for Mayor of Portland - popular and young candidate, Sam Adams, easily took that win.  It was a grassroots campaign.  He’s smart, innovative, progressive and committed to making Portland an even better city.  Needless to say, it’s been an engaging political night in Oregon. 

By the time I finished this blog, I was breathing clear, calm and relaxed, truly ready for restorative sleep.  And thus I must feel gratitude.

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Day 245: Shooting Hoops, Gluten-Free Pizza Margherita & An Ayurvedic Foot Soak

Sunday, May 18

I got to bed later than intended last night.  3:00 a.m.!  So I slept in this morning.  I had left the window open and a cool breeze gently passed through.  I finally got out of bed just before noon. 

I watched the X Files movie on t.v. and ate a nice, light salad.   I’m looking forward to the upcoming sequel.  It’s going to be a great summer movie season!

I got caught up on my blog and other writing projects.  When the movie was over, I took the trash out and drove over to Cook Park, near Tigard High School, to shoot hoops at the basketball courts.  Three guys asked if they could join me.  They seemed to be my age.  The one guy’s wife sat on a blanket near us and read a book.  They were all very nice and I enjoyed the fun and excercise of shooting baskets.  I did pretty well, considering it’s been awhile since I touched my basketball.

After, I drove over to Fred Meyers in Sherwood and did my weekly grocery shopping.

When I got home, I put an Amy’s rice crust gluten-free pizza in the oven.  When it was nearly finished cooking, I added orange tomato slices, buffalo mozzarella and fresh basil.  When the pizza was ready, a added some red a black pepper and enjoyed a few slices of this pizza – the best gluten-free version I’ve had since my diagnosis.  This made me realize that how I prepare it makes all the difference – and that means the mozzarella and basil, a la margherita.

This evening I worked on pulling quotes from an old UC-Davis vineyard management text book for my novel. 

Next, I pulled out a big bowl and added about a half cup of Burt’s Bees Baby Bee Buttermilk Bath Soak and Better Botanicals Dead Sea Bath Salts with an Ayurvedic herbal blend of roses, sandalwood and jasmin.  I added warm water, just under hot, and filled the bowl.  The smells were lovely.  There were pretty little rosebuds floating in the mild buttermilk-sea salt-herbal soak.  I decided the kindness I bestowed to myself at Loyly on Saturday was a good thing to continue.  After the relaxing footsoak, I used a pumice stone to remove dead skin from my feet.  I then used an all natural nailpolish remover to clean the remnants of my San Francisco pedicure.  I cleaned up the toenail beds, too.  After drying my feet, I slathered cardamom foot butter on my feet and put on thin socks.  My feet felt great! 

It’s important to take the time to pamper yourself.  I will sauna every now and again, include a 30 min massage here and there, and will pamper myself at home with lovely facial masks, foot soaks, aromatherapy, Ayurveda, and then, of course, meditation, yoga, and exercise.  I am working on improving my diet and will cut back on drinking alcohol.  I really want to maintain a happy, balanced lifestyle and it truly begins with taking care of yourself. 

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Day 238: Understanding the Darker Side of Celiac

Sunday, May 11

While I have been having fun over the past few weeks, I have also been feeling like crap.  To be honest with myself, my scorecard hasn’t been all that good:

1)  I’ve been out 2-3 nights a week, drinking 3-4 drinks a night.

2)  I haven’t been careful with my gluten-free diet and have experienced the return of my Celiac disease symptoms, including piercing stomach pain, digestive issues, bloating, swelling, headaches, irritibility, anxiety, and the return of the rash that’s associated with Celiac – dermatitis herpetiformis.  Ugh.

3)  I’m burning a hole in my pocket, financially, with eating out so much (not to mention the gas of driving around so much!).

4)  I haven’t been doing yoga, meditation nor have I been going to church. 

5)  I’ve started gaining weight again (gradually), as I haven’t worked out hard in over a week – plus the swelling from gluten contamination and extra alcohol consumption

6)  And….I’m back to regular use of Claritan-D to combat my congestion, sneezing and watery eyes that are part of my mysterious non-allergic rhinitis (I still believe I have allergies); and, I haven’t taken care of my deviated septum yet.

So…I’m not feeling well, I’m not getting the balance and spirituality that I had been searching for, and I’m not taking great care of myself.  I don’t know what happened but something’s got to give.

I thought I’d start with a cup of Yogi brand Detox tea this morning along with a nourishing bowl of gluten-free oatmeal.  And I decided it’s time to pledge to myself a return to what I had been working on – finding and creating that much needed balance.

I thought about a conversation I had last night with my friend.  I know she must think I am negative.  And I am.  I don’t mean to be and I certainly don’t want to be.  It’s so hard to talk about Celiac disease with people without sounding like a broken record or a head case.  The general population doesn’t understand what it’s like to live with this bizarre and trying disease, and how vast and complicated the symptoms are.  I have long felt varying degrees of depression, over-sensitivity, brain-fog and anxiety.  It affects my relationships.  And I haven’t fully understood my symptoms. 

I am convinced that I would benefit from therapy.  That’s not an easy thing to write in a public blog.  But I think it’s important to put the issue out there.  It’s a real issue and it no doubt affects so many people already dealing with this disease.

I went online to try to find more information about the relationship with mood disorders and Celiac disease.  I found a forum from 2005 which is still relevant.  It showed me there are plenty of people dealing with this.  It’s a relief, in a way.  Because I have felt crazy, at times, not understanding the full breadth of my emotional and mental issues regarding this disease.

I found an interesting report about this very subject, the relationship of gluten and depression (and other mood disorders).

If anything, I’ll be relieved when my friends and family read those links so that they can better understand what I go through.  I am making some serious changes now that I am more aware of what’s going on.  And that makes me feel better. 

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Day 231: Volunteering for Events, Outdoor Cafe Dining & Dealing with Loss

Sunday, May 4
11:15 p.m.

Once again I slept in.  I put together a nice brunch including a salad with green leaf lettuce, basil, orange tomato, strawberries, a little shaved parmesan cheese and a homemade garlic Caesar dressing.  It was fresh and lovely.

I had volunteered weeks ago to help out at the Fourth Annual Indie Wine Festival.  I had volunteered for the first two festivals (05, 06).  It’s a hip take on the typical wine fest, taking place at Urban Wineworks.  My friend, Claudia, who manages U.W., had asked me to help out.  I got there just after 1:00 p.m. and was a little dismayed that it was a perfect, sunny day out and that I would be stuck indoors.  Either way, I was happy to help out…initially. 

If I were to be honest, which is my intent with this blog – bearing my soul for the good or bad – I was honestly dismayed that the volunteers were to put on bright orange shirts that implied “Staff” and were treated more like hired help and not like volunteers - you know, friends of the organization who kindly donated their time to be useful and helpful, not to report for employment, but, again, to be helpful.  While the organization generously offered a free ticket for the alternative event day (in my case that would have been Saturday), I didn’t take the ticket.  I didn’t voluteer just so I could get in to the event for free.  I volunteered to help out a friend. 

It appeared as if the real event staff worked a little, but were allowed to drink and socialize for the second half of the event.  I just thought that was a little off.   Mostly because the volunteers were not allowed to taste the food or wine, and we even got reprimanded and separated when we chatted with each other (at a point when the event had just started and no one was really tasting in our section) – which was handled, in my opinion, less than ideally.  It was kind of silly, but, hey, I understand the focus on producing a successful event. 

But, this made me realize after this third year of helping out that I am not really the kind of person they need to volunteer – and therefore, I will not make myself available to help out again.  It is possible that the role of event day volunteer has changed since I last helped out in 2006.  Irregardless, I’d rather purchase a ticket and go and have a good time at the event.  I’ll still support the event in other ways – especially promoting it to friends who are looking for an engaging cultural Portland event.  It certainly delivers on that front!

It seems to me the festival might benefit from hiring event staff from a temping agency to put to work while finding other ways to engage friends and supporters to volunteer their time, talent and enthusiasm.  Maybe I’m wrong.  But there are probably better ways for me to volunteer my time, talent and enthusiasm to such an event.  I suppose my expectations came from my past experience, which is heavily fuelling my opinion – it was just lighter and more fun volunteering a couple of years ago.  And I am sure there were plenty of volunteers who had a different experience this weekend, so I am certainly not speaking for everyone.  I should add that my friend, Claudia, treated the volunteers very kindly, graciously and made a point to thank everyone with a genuine spirit.   That was really nice.

A highlight was meeting Alice Feiring, who’s new book The Battle for Wine and Love was featured for book signing.  Alice signed my copy – it looks like an interesting read.

All in all, I think it’s great what the festival does for small producers.  The Oregon wine industry is an interesting, wonderful and diverse group of passionate wine mavericks and it has a personality that is unique and authentic – it’s great that some of the smaller producers are able to get better visibility via this event.  I always love to see what’s going on with this segment of the industry – the 2000 or fewer case producers.  It really is a cool event – I only wish I had the time to attend some of the very interesting seminars that were part of this year’s program.

After, Claudia, Kerry and a few other friends met for dinner outside in the cafe seating at Fenouil.  I had a glass of Cremant bubbly, a few bites from a cheese platter, a butter lettuce salad and the risotto.  I was tired.

When I drove home, my mind wandered down another winding road.  I had been thinking about loss and how I used to be so bad with loss – family deaths, break-ups, change, losing friends…

Lately, I have realized I am dealing with loss with more grace than I ever thought possible.  The books on Tibetan Buddhism I have been reading, especially Pema Chodron’s classic When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, have truly transformed my way of thinking.  And I seem to be able to actually apply St. Francis’s Serenity Prayer to my life: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.  Yes, I have done my best to apply this to the different forms of loss that have come my way in recent moments.

For one, there’s Shadow, my little stray cat who has disappeared.  I am genuinely sad about this but I have accepted that he’s gone.  I just hope that he is in a happy, safe place. 

Then, there’s that break-up that has lingered for me for over two years; I am finally able to accept that and to draw some very important learning points from the loss.  This is allowing me to finally move on and to face, more confidently, the potential opportunity to love again.

I have also accepted the loss of some friendships – I mourned the loss of certain friends at first and felt sad for not having certain people in my life anymore, but, I have finally accepted the course of those friendships coming to a close, and while I will always be grateful for when the friendships were more relevent to my life at another time, I hold no anger, disappointment or regrets.  Just acceptance.

It’s empowering, really.  I used to let things fester and fester.  I realize loss is constant in life and you can only accept that some things in life will inevitably draw to an end, sometimes before you’re ready to let go.  But, you have to accept loss as a part of the gains and cycles – it’s part of balance.  You win some, you lose some; you gain some, you lose some; you find some, you lose some.  It’s kind of like ying and yang in life, these gains and losses that go hand in hand.  And more often than not, you’re losing over gaining.  It’s important to be able to handle this with grace.

The thing is, you must be grateful for both because in gaining and in losing we become better, fuller versions of ourselves.  Mostly, I want to live in the moment with gratitude.  I want to be more open and accepting, more conscious, present and enlightened.  
 

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Day 226: Balance & The Birth of Hope

Tuesday, April 29
11:37 p.m.

I overslept this morning – a function of a cold coming on.  Not so surprising after a business trip and airplane travel.

I left work in the afternoon for a meeting with a videographer to discuss a marketing opportunity.  We had a really great chat that extended beyond the business meeting and covered topics like heritage, culture, society, literature and cinema, family, and so on.  But it was more, I felt myself connecting on the very themes that have been orbiting my life these days.

I find myself connecting with people on themes of consciousness, enlightenment and compassion more and more often.  These aren’t just principles and values that I am reading about in the spiritual books I have been drawn to, but, rather, I feel a kinetic energy in the universe that it infectious.  It’s remarkable to hear other people experiencing this, too.

Just this night I met a woman in my gym and we had a long conversation about the state of the world and these very themes, the sense of urgency for the world to wake up, this sense of faith in humanity to stand up for what’s right, to work for peace, toward saving the environment, and, most importantly, reaching out for the change in the world that is to come.  You can sense it and feel it - there is an undeniable wave of change that is moving toward us with such force and promise.  Everyone I have been meeting and chatting with has been feeling this, too.  It’s amazing, it’s encouraging and it’s the stuff that’s making so many believers want to participate, to get involved and to do their part.  It is the birth of hope.

After working out, I had a nice chat with our property manager about developing a community garden for those of us who want to plant fruit, veggies and herbs – she seemed keen on the idea and said she’d look into it.  I walked off smiling from ear to ear.  Another step toward improving the environment and a chance to build a grander sense of community. 

I drove over to Pacific Breeze with my book in tow to work on edits.  I hadn’t been there in awhile.  I ordered Vietnamese garden rolls and a comforting bowl of Pho.  When I got home my cold was coming on full force – I became very congested with an annoying runny nose, itchy-red eyes and terrible sneezing.  I wasn’t sure if I was experiencing a cold or if this was my myserious non-allergic rhinitis.  I took a Claritan-D and after 11 p.m. I still wasn’t feeling improved.  I downed a lot of water, a cup of Yogi Bedtime tea to stay hydrated.  This icky feeling would soon pass.  I stretched and took in deep breaths stemming from my chest and burgeoning forth through my mouth, meditating toward balance.

 

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Day 199: Gigs for Cash, Grocery Gift Cards & Rich in Solitude

Wednesday, April 2
9:37 p.m.

So I have decided to do some casting calls to make some extra cash – both in print photo shoots (oh, nothing glamourous – just local businesses needed a thirty-something, attractive wife sitting at a banker’s desk with her husband, or at a computer in an office) and as an extra in locally shot films.  I need to beef up my savings account.  I used to model in DC back in the 90′s – again, just local stuff.  I’m hoping to do some head shots – for local skin products (all natural markets, etc.).  I was an extra in a few movies filmed in DC, including The Replacements , which was filmed at the Baltimore Ravens stadium, starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman.  And when I worked for PBS, back in 1998, I was on-air talent (reading from the teleprompter) for the satellite service pledge drives, which reached a few million viewers – the programs I did the pledge drive for included a Mary Chapin Carpenter concert, a Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band reunion tour show, and a kid’s programming special called Peter, Paul & Mommy, too (featuring Peter, Paul & Mary).  So, we’ll see what we get.  I’m hoping if I can get a few gigs here and there, I can free myself of the pressure to perform in my writing, so that I can enjoy the process and focus on my craft – not the results or the price per word.

In the meantime, I was flattered to get contacted by a journalism student today who came across my blog and wants to interveiw me for an article she’s writing on blogging.  It will be good practice.

I read an article on WordPress.com last night reporting two bloggers who got book deals for their blogs – one of them got a $300K advance!  It’s time to start thinking about finding a developmental editor!

After a very busy day of work, I went home to change for the gym and ran to the grocery store with the gift card my mom sent me.  Yes, she sends me gift cards to grocery stores.  I tell her she shouldn’t do it – but, she feels badly about the cost of my gluten-free diet and wants to encourage me to eat healthy, organic fruits and vegetables and whole, gluten-free grains.  The woman was a dietitian for years, I can’t stop her.  I’m not a mother, but I suppose once you are, you never stop wanting to mother your children.  And my mother isn’t the controlling, intefering kind, rather she just wants to do everything she can to ensure her children are happy and healthy.  I appreciate her gestures, even if I do feel badly that she’s spending money on me that she could be spending on herself.

At the gym, I ran on the treadmill for thirty minutes then went home and made myself a beautiful salad of organic baby romaine lettuce, red, orange and yellow baby peppers, red onion, carrot shavings, pecans, and yellow and red grape tomatoes with a lite, homemade honey mustard dressing and then I sauteed broccolini in olive oil with chopped garlic, pine nuts and lemon juice, which I topped with parmesan.  I had a tall glass of water with a fresh slice of lime.  It was fresh and tasty.  My mother would have approved.

 I had a cup of Yogi India Spice tea afterwards.

Well after the food had settled, I meditated for 15 minutes.  I have been trying to stop stressing, to come up with sensible, creative solutions to take care of myself, financially, and to get more disciplined about making the most of my workouts, eating well-balanced meals (small portions), sticking to a yoga and strength training program, all to get balanced. 

I embrace myself – my single, happy, soon to be balanced and enlightened self.

It’s funny.  After I engage in activites and practices that are supposed to help me to acheive balance and enlightenment, I have closed myself off from the idea of partnering up, getting hitched, looking for a man.  I don’t look for men.  I hate the idea of seeking out love, because it seems to me that if you are actively looking for it, then there’s something inside of you that’s terribly lacking to send you out in the world to seek an idea of happiness in the form of another person.  I just won’t do it.  Being lonely is not a reason to search for the love of your life.  And I’m still not sold on the idea that there’s just one love in a lifetime.  So, you live your life to the fullest and resolve what has you so scared about being alone (as if being solo is like having the plague).  

Anyway, I am comfortably alone and not seeking love.  I’m not 100% closing off the idea of falling in love, but, it will have to find me.  Which may sound like a contradiction to this whole blog.  The thing is, my 365 Days Until Love search may have started with a starry-eyed concept of finally being ready for love.  But, perhaps I was wrong.  I mean, that was only the beginning.  And, besides, are we ever truly ready for love?  Or does good love come when you least expect it, when you least want it, when you are making big plans for your wonderfully solo life?  Hell if I know.  But, I suspect much of this journey of journaling through a year of my life has led me to identifying certain patterns – and looking back from the beginning, reading along what I have written, I see many subtle changes in my mindset and even in the direction of the path I’m headed down.  The quest for enlightenment and compassion only evolved in the new year, not from the beginning.  I have been able to experience the causes of my own illnesses prompted by stress – mostly my bouts of congestion.  So, I have experienced optimum health when I am happy, relaxed and balanced.  And as soon as I got stressed again, the congestion is back on and I’m riddled with physical tension.  So, I have seen the power of the results – I just have to get disciplined in my practices.

By writing through the mundane, I have learned some extraordinary things about myself, that I am not seeking the kind of life that has so many trying to keep up with the Joneses, where I am culturally obligated to marry, work hard to make a lot of money so that I can buy really cool things, and a huge house that my husband and I can’t really afford, then pop out 2.5 kids, go nuts trying to balance work and my crazy family, to the point where I am exhausted, unhappy and unfilled, but I have to lie to myself and the world that I am happy, balanced and fulfilled or else I’d be a terrible mother - and that is the worst thing a woman can be, worse than a prostitute servicing government officials. 

I mean, if that happens, it happens, and I’m sure I’ll learn a lot more about myself – certainly in setting boundaries!

I would be remiss not to mention the eel that I had met back in October, when I first returned to Oregon.  I didn’t take that encounter seriously, well, because he left two days later to move to San Francisco.  Oddly, I get random emails, including one today, as part of a group forward.  I appreciate the gesture, of being included when the email is an informative one like the one I received today.  But, well, I couldn’t help but wonder, why do some men orbit  your atmosphere?  I mean, what’s the point?  I can’t exactly be friends with someone who I don’t really know, who lives that far away, right?  There’s definitely attraction, but, again, what’s the point?  I kind of feel like if the eel wanted to hang with the salmon, he’d swim upstream for a visit and test out the waters, so to speak.  So, by the grace of logic, I have figured that one out.  I think.  The eel isn’t interested in swimming with the salmon right now, but the eel is interested in keeping in touch with the salmon just in case a climatic change occurs where the eel and salmon might be swimming in the same waters.  Meantime, the salmon is happily swimming in her clear, temperate, safe stream.  (note: if you’re reading this and you’re confused about the eel and the salmon, you’ll have to go back to the beginning of this blog to understand).

I would have to meet someone exceptional, someone who just exceeds my expectations exponentially before I am willing to let go of that comfort and safety – someone who’s going to arrive without a search party reeling him in.  Someone who I meet serendipitously in a moment of synchonicity.  Otherwise, I’m just not interested.  And this isn’t necessarily directed to the eel.

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