Wednesday, April 2
So I have decided to do some casting calls to make some extra cash – both in print photo shoots (oh, nothing glamourous – just local businesses needed a thirty-something, attractive wife sitting at a banker’s desk with her husband, or at a computer in an office) and as an extra in locally shot films. I need to beef up my savings account. I used to model in DC back in the 90′s – again, just local stuff. I’m hoping to do some head shots – for local skin products (all natural markets, etc.). I was an extra in a few movies filmed in DC, including The Replacements , which was filmed at the Baltimore Ravens stadium, starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman. And when I worked for PBS, back in 1998, I was on-air talent (reading from the teleprompter) for the satellite service pledge drives, which reached a few million viewers – the programs I did the pledge drive for included a Mary Chapin Carpenter concert, a Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band reunion tour show, and a kid’s programming special called Peter, Paul & Mommy, too (featuring Peter, Paul & Mary). So, we’ll see what we get. I’m hoping if I can get a few gigs here and there, I can free myself of the pressure to perform in my writing, so that I can enjoy the process and focus on my craft – not the results or the price per word.
In the meantime, I was flattered to get contacted by a journalism student today who came across my blog and wants to interveiw me for an article she’s writing on blogging. It will be good practice.
I read an article on WordPress.com last night reporting two bloggers who got book deals for their blogs – one of them got a $300K advance! It’s time to start thinking about finding a developmental editor!
After a very busy day of work, I went home to change for the gym and ran to the grocery store with the gift card my mom sent me. Yes, she sends me gift cards to grocery stores. I tell her she shouldn’t do it – but, she feels badly about the cost of my gluten-free diet and wants to encourage me to eat healthy, organic fruits and vegetables and whole, gluten-free grains. The woman was a dietitian for years, I can’t stop her. I’m not a mother, but I suppose once you are, you never stop wanting to mother your children. And my mother isn’t the controlling, intefering kind, rather she just wants to do everything she can to ensure her children are happy and healthy. I appreciate her gestures, even if I do feel badly that she’s spending money on me that she could be spending on herself.
At the gym, I ran on the treadmill for thirty minutes then went home and made myself a beautiful salad of organic baby romaine lettuce, red, orange and yellow baby peppers, red onion, carrot shavings, pecans, and yellow and red grape tomatoes with a lite, homemade honey mustard dressing and then I sauteed broccolini in olive oil with chopped garlic, pine nuts and lemon juice, which I topped with parmesan. I had a tall glass of water with a fresh slice of lime. It was fresh and tasty. My mother would have approved.
I had a cup of Yogi India Spice tea afterwards.
Well after the food had settled, I meditated for 15 minutes. I have been trying to stop stressing, to come up with sensible, creative solutions to take care of myself, financially, and to get more disciplined about making the most of my workouts, eating well-balanced meals (small portions), sticking to a yoga and strength training program, all to get balanced.
I embrace myself – my single, happy, soon to be balanced and enlightened self.
It’s funny. After I engage in activites and practices that are supposed to help me to acheive balance and enlightenment, I have closed myself off from the idea of partnering up, getting hitched, looking for a man. I don’t look for men. I hate the idea of seeking out love, because it seems to me that if you are actively looking for it, then there’s something inside of you that’s terribly lacking to send you out in the world to seek an idea of happiness in the form of another person. I just won’t do it. Being lonely is not a reason to search for the love of your life. And I’m still not sold on the idea that there’s just one love in a lifetime. So, you live your life to the fullest and resolve what has you so scared about being alone (as if being solo is like having the plague).
Anyway, I am comfortably alone and not seeking love. I’m not 100% closing off the idea of falling in love, but, it will have to find me. Which may sound like a contradiction to this whole blog. The thing is, my 365 Days Until Love search may have started with a starry-eyed concept of finally being ready for love. But, perhaps I was wrong. I mean, that was only the beginning. And, besides, are we ever truly ready for love? Or does good love come when you least expect it, when you least want it, when you are making big plans for your wonderfully solo life? Hell if I know. But, I suspect much of this journey of journaling through a year of my life has led me to identifying certain patterns – and looking back from the beginning, reading along what I have written, I see many subtle changes in my mindset and even in the direction of the path I’m headed down. The quest for enlightenment and compassion only evolved in the new year, not from the beginning. I have been able to experience the causes of my own illnesses prompted by stress – mostly my bouts of congestion. So, I have experienced optimum health when I am happy, relaxed and balanced. And as soon as I got stressed again, the congestion is back on and I’m riddled with physical tension. So, I have seen the power of the results – I just have to get disciplined in my practices.
By writing through the mundane, I have learned some extraordinary things about myself, that I am not seeking the kind of life that has so many trying to keep up with the Joneses, where I am culturally obligated to marry, work hard to make a lot of money so that I can buy really cool things, and a huge house that my husband and I can’t really afford, then pop out 2.5 kids, go nuts trying to balance work and my crazy family, to the point where I am exhausted, unhappy and unfilled, but I have to lie to myself and the world that I am happy, balanced and fulfilled or else I’d be a terrible mother - and that is the worst thing a woman can be, worse than a prostitute servicing government officials.
I mean, if that happens, it happens, and I’m sure I’ll learn a lot more about myself – certainly in setting boundaries!
I would be remiss not to mention the eel that I had met back in October, when I first returned to Oregon. I didn’t take that encounter seriously, well, because he left two days later to move to San Francisco. Oddly, I get random emails, including one today, as part of a group forward. I appreciate the gesture, of being included when the email is an informative one like the one I received today. But, well, I couldn’t help but wonder, why do some men orbit your atmosphere? I mean, what’s the point? I can’t exactly be friends with someone who I don’t really know, who lives that far away, right? There’s definitely attraction, but, again, what’s the point? I kind of feel like if the eel wanted to hang with the salmon, he’d swim upstream for a visit and test out the waters, so to speak. So, by the grace of logic, I have figured that one out. I think. The eel isn’t interested in swimming with the salmon right now, but the eel is interested in keeping in touch with the salmon just in case a climatic change occurs where the eel and salmon might be swimming in the same waters. Meantime, the salmon is happily swimming in her clear, temperate, safe stream. (note: if you’re reading this and you’re confused about the eel and the salmon, you’ll have to go back to the beginning of this blog to understand).
I would have to meet someone exceptional, someone who just exceeds my expectations exponentially before I am willing to let go of that comfort and safety – someone who’s going to arrive without a search party reeling him in. Someone who I meet serendipitously in a moment of synchonicity. Otherwise, I’m just not interested. And this isn’t necessarily directed to the eel.
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