Day 263: News Report – Why Men Fear Marriage

Thursday, June 5

Wait.  Is this really June?  Really?  Well, so far this June sucks.  It’s more like March.  It’s cold out.  It’s cloudy and gray.  Oh yeah, it’s Portland.  Where did I think I was when I woke up?

Anyway.  I could rant on and on about how messed up the seasons are out here.  But when it’s good, man, it’s unbelievable.  Portlanders have to hang on to that, grasp it like a dream, else crazy takes over.  Seriously.

Anyway, I woke up groggy.  But I got out of bed and took a warm shower – it was like an Irish Spring commercial.  Well, not really.  But I have some amazing aromatherapy body scrubs and washes (in ginger, lemongrass, citrus, rosemary and sage) that seriously do invigorate.  Won’t change your life, but will get your butt to work.

Again with the neti pot and Wellness supplement.  That’s been my sinus infection exit strategy.  So far, so good.  And by the time I left the house I was feeling better, or at least clear.  But about mid-commute I was getting congested.  It’s so weird, the way of my nasal passages.

I got to work and took a Claritan-D.  I then made a cup of Yogi Chammomile tea and got back to work.  

Oh, and for lunch I had the best gluten free sandwhich I have ever had, to date.  I cut two slices of Whole Food’s Honey Oat gluten free bread, which is amazing.  The trick with gluten free bread is to stick it in the microwave for a few minutes.  This minimizes the typical crumbling.  I added organic smoked turkey breast (no nitrates or hormones, etc.), fresh, organic Romaine lettuce, organic white cheddar cheese slices and mustard.  I also had an organic dill pickle.  It was a great lunch!

My co-worker was so sweet to bring me a gluten free chocolate cookie she picked up at Whole Foods.  I had it with some fresh cherries I brought.  The cookie was more like a brownie.  So good.

But by 4:15 I was feeling like I was going to pass out.  I very suddenly got tired and started to get warm.  Then I began to sweat a little.  Then I was hot.  I knew I had a fever again.  My co-worker gave me an Aleve and I went home.  I was done.

I ordered some chicken Pho for dinner for take out.  I was still congested.  Great.  As I sat back and ate my dinner, I heard a news report on why men are supposedly afraid of getting married.  They fear the marriage will end badly, with a bitter divorce, leaving them in financial ruin. 

On one hand, I can see their point.  But, on the other hand I find this incredibly demeaning and depressing.  First, it makes me think of nothing but greed.  I guess it really is all about money.   But, I even stated in one of my recent posts that so many marriages today are less about love, respect and companionship, and are more like business transactions.  Mergers.  Or sometimes acquisitions.  If men keep this fear or greed, or whatever you want to call it, in the back of their minds when they are making a commitment to a woman, then they are pretty much doomed, as far as I’m concerned. 

It seems to me if these men were more confident and competent in making a choice for a mate then they shouldn’t be worrying about divorce – and believe me, I know it goes both ways.  I’m just saying that a thoughtful, mature man (or woman) should be able to make a sensible decision in who he (she) chooses to marry.  And it takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage last.  

I think another part of the problem is with people who marry too young (before 30, in my opinion), as they have more than 50% chance of falling to a fate of divorce.  I think people who marry in their 20′s are a little crazy.  It seems to me that for those who grow up and live an independent adult life in their 20′s, well, they’ll have more time to become financially secure (both men and women), to figure out who they are and what they have to offer, and to discover what it is they really want out of life and a partner.  So, if you give yourself ample time to learn those very important things, by the time you’re in your thirties, and older, you are better positioned to make sensible decisions in selecting the right kind of partner and securing an enduring, strong marriage.  Statistics will teach you that.  And statistics don’t lie!!

If, I mean when I become a successful writer, and if, I mean when I meet ‘the one’, am I going to have to get him to sign a pre-nup?  Now that I know that men fear financial ruin from divorce, I don’t want to make myself, or my hard-earned financial success, fall to ruin, either.  Still, that’s so unromantic to me.  Perhaps practical, but unromantic.

It often seems like there’s no room for faith in love and marriage in today’s world.  The disease of divorce spreads too quickly like a pandemic.  It’s shocking to me how many men in their thirties are divorced in Oregon.  I’m not really sure what’s going on with the women, but I’ll assume they’re the other halves of that.  These are the guys who married in their 20′s, the guys who seem to really fear financial ruin if they marry a second time.  And who can blame them?  And if the divorce was their fault (cheating, abuse, addictions) that is likely to cost them more in a divorce, I imagine.

I guess if there’s any fear going into a potential marriage, wheather its rooted in finances, lack of self esteem, lack of trust – whatever – there’s a red flag.  And that person should know when to walk away.  But too many people settle and find themselves in less than desirable situations.  And live to regret it, in one way or another.

So, I don’t know how to resolve this issue, not that I’m trying to resolve it.  But, I think it’s silly for men to mope around with fear of marriage because they don’t want to fall to financial ruin.  If you end up making a really bad decision, especially the obvious ones, like marrying a golddigger just because she’s hot, or cheating on a sweet, devoted wife – you’re setting yourself up for financial ruin!   And I think you’re upping your chances for it, too, if you marry when you’re still a kid.  Hint to yourself -you probably shoudn’t marry if you can barely balance your checkbook

Seriously.  What is the rush??  If you meet the person you’re supposed to be with forever, then wait.  If they’re really the one, they’ll still be there when you’ve grown up a little.  Because you’re meant to be with them forever.  Right?  It’s a good test to see if you’re with the right person. 

By the time you’re in your 30′s you don’t necessarily need the same kind of test.  It’s funny.  I actually laugh when I think about my twenties.  Now.  At the time, well, my twenties were full of all kinds of growing pains.  Learning how to be fiscally responsible, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, learning to live on my own.  These were incredibly important.  Equally important was putting myself in debt, travelling to Europe where I had a couple of amazing love stories, and chasing my dreams.

Interestingly enough, I could have been married twice in my twenties.  And I was soooo in loooove.  I was convinced that I was mature enough and ready for it.   I am so glad that I didn’t do it.  I’d either be divorced now or very unhappily married.  I am a totally different person than I was back then and it truly is a blessing that I got to have that precious time to learn so much about myself.  I really do have so much more to offer someone now at this age (34) than I ever could as a 20-something girl.  And that means I’m looking for a totally different kind of man to share my life with, as well.  But… that’s just me.

Anyway.  For those who are afraid of financial ruin from divorce, whether they were married and divorced before, or if they’re over 30, guys, lighten up and maybe get some therapy.  Everyone needs therapy, so don’t feel bad.  But, seriously, you guys need to talk to someone about those fears.  And if you’re that afraid, perhaps you’ll need a prenup to feel secure.  Nuff said.  I think I’ve beaten this dead horse beyond inhumane cause for imprisonment.

 

 

 

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Day 260: Working in Portland, A New Baby Cousin, Vinyassa Yoga & Fighting A Cold?

Monday, June 2

Deep breath.  Om.  Stretch.  Breathe.  I was a little congested this morning.  So I had to make an effort to take in deeper, clearer, meditative breaths.

After I got out of bed, I got online for work.  I checked my emails, responded to different requests, edited some copy for our brochure, then got ready to leave for an appointment and also to drop off wine downtown.  On my way out, I had to take a Claritan-D.  I was very congested and my eyes were itchy and watering up.  I kept sneezing.  Must be allergies.  Or…the non-allergic rhinitis condition I supposedly had.  I’m still not convinced it’s not just plain allergies.

First, I drove up to Killingsworth to meet with the Chef at Autentica.  It was an engaging meeting about an event we’re going to do at the winery.  After, I dropped off wine with the Oregon Wine Board for media and event samples. 

I had a late lunch with a colleague at Andina.  I love Andina because they have amazing, unique cuisine and they have a gluten-free menu.  I had a glass of the sweet lime juice, instead of bread they gave me fried yuca with spicy verde sauce, and then I had the small plate of mixed greens with fresh vegetables (which included hearts of palm and asparagus with a zingy lime dressing), and then the rich avocado stuffed with crab and shrimp. 

After lunch I checked my work emails and worked on our wine club logo.  And then I found out my cousin gave birth to a baby girl, Natalie Hope, weighing in at 8 pounds even.  This was my cousin’s first daugther after two sons.  I was so excited!  I called her in the afternoon, thinking I’d get her voice mail, but was delighted she picked up.  It was so good to hear her voice.  I felt so happy for this wonderful blessing.

I then headed over to Yoga Pearl.  I was going to do it.  I was going to drop in on a yoga class!  This would be my first class since this fall (I think!).  I was going to the Vinyassa class, which was really hard!  It’s a 90 minute class, and when it started I was feeling pretty good.  I got there early and unrolled my mat and stretched out and started working on my breathing.  The initial positions were slow movements, the usual positions.  But half way through the class I was sweating as if it were the Power Vinyassa class with the room temperature heated at 95 degrees.  But, no, I was just getting a hard workout.  I kept pushing myself, even though my weak ankles sometimes wobbled (I had chronic ankle sprains from previous sports injuries).  At one point I wondered if I would make it all the way through the class.  I didn’t realize how out of shape I was.  But I persevered.  And I made it through the challenging class.  I was so proud of myself! 

When it was over, I was soaked with sweat, exhausted and my throat was pretty sore.  I felt like I had unleashed so many toxins in this deep, intense and balancing exercise that perhaps I got a cold?  I drank a little water on my way home.

It had occurred to me that I wasn’t working myself hard enough in my gym workouts.  It took me to be pushed hard as I was this evening to see just how much I had been coasting along with light bicycle workouts, walking or jogging on the treadmill, even if I was going for 40 minutes.  After this great workout, I decided I would work out harder, all around.  I had lost some muscle tone and wanted to get my strength and endurance back.

On my way home, I stopped by Crate & Barrel to pick up hurricane lamps that were on sale for work.  When I left it started to rain.  And by the time I drove the four miles home, my throat was killing me.  I went upstairs and grabbed a Ricola throat losenge.  And then I took a very relaxing, aromatherapy shower.  For a moment, I felt better.  I was clear.  But it didn’t last for long. 

About thirty minutes later, after I made myself vegetable soup for dinner, my throat was killing me again.  I made a cup of Matcha green tea, which is loaded with antioxidants, with a teaspoon of orange honey.   I had been downing large glasses of water to cleanse out all of the toxins I had loosened up from yoga.  And I took a dose of Wellness herbal resistance drops as an additional safeguard. 

It’s weird.  I felt tremendous from my yoga workout and yet got home only to feel sick.  The sore throat could easily have been a symptom of my allergy-like symptoms – from the post nasal drip and hard, dry breathing (without water intake) during the yoga class.  Or, I was fighting a cold. 

Irrespective, I had another throat losenge, continued to drink more water, and heated up my aromatherapy neck wrap to soothe and relax.  I kept blowing my nose, which was in one part really congested, to the point I could feel clogging in my ears, and then getting runny.  I felt crappy.

I worked on the haiku I wrote for my sister, putting it in a customized, pretty design that I planned to frame and mail out to her.  This kept me relaxed while I tried to breathe and feel better.

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Day 245: Shooting Hoops, Gluten-Free Pizza Margherita & An Ayurvedic Foot Soak

Sunday, May 18

I got to bed later than intended last night.  3:00 a.m.!  So I slept in this morning.  I had left the window open and a cool breeze gently passed through.  I finally got out of bed just before noon. 

I watched the X Files movie on t.v. and ate a nice, light salad.   I’m looking forward to the upcoming sequel.  It’s going to be a great summer movie season!

I got caught up on my blog and other writing projects.  When the movie was over, I took the trash out and drove over to Cook Park, near Tigard High School, to shoot hoops at the basketball courts.  Three guys asked if they could join me.  They seemed to be my age.  The one guy’s wife sat on a blanket near us and read a book.  They were all very nice and I enjoyed the fun and excercise of shooting baskets.  I did pretty well, considering it’s been awhile since I touched my basketball.

After, I drove over to Fred Meyers in Sherwood and did my weekly grocery shopping.

When I got home, I put an Amy’s rice crust gluten-free pizza in the oven.  When it was nearly finished cooking, I added orange tomato slices, buffalo mozzarella and fresh basil.  When the pizza was ready, a added some red a black pepper and enjoyed a few slices of this pizza – the best gluten-free version I’ve had since my diagnosis.  This made me realize that how I prepare it makes all the difference – and that means the mozzarella and basil, a la margherita.

This evening I worked on pulling quotes from an old UC-Davis vineyard management text book for my novel. 

Next, I pulled out a big bowl and added about a half cup of Burt’s Bees Baby Bee Buttermilk Bath Soak and Better Botanicals Dead Sea Bath Salts with an Ayurvedic herbal blend of roses, sandalwood and jasmin.  I added warm water, just under hot, and filled the bowl.  The smells were lovely.  There were pretty little rosebuds floating in the mild buttermilk-sea salt-herbal soak.  I decided the kindness I bestowed to myself at Loyly on Saturday was a good thing to continue.  After the relaxing footsoak, I used a pumice stone to remove dead skin from my feet.  I then used an all natural nailpolish remover to clean the remnants of my San Francisco pedicure.  I cleaned up the toenail beds, too.  After drying my feet, I slathered cardamom foot butter on my feet and put on thin socks.  My feet felt great! 

It’s important to take the time to pamper yourself.  I will sauna every now and again, include a 30 min massage here and there, and will pamper myself at home with lovely facial masks, foot soaks, aromatherapy, Ayurveda, and then, of course, meditation, yoga, and exercise.  I am working on improving my diet and will cut back on drinking alcohol.  I really want to maintain a happy, balanced lifestyle and it truly begins with taking care of yourself. 

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Day 244: From Loyly to BBQ – The Start to a Promising Summer

Saturday, May 17

If this weekend was any indication of what my summer is going to be like, it’s going to be a great one!

I woke up and stretched and loved every drop of sunlight coming through the blinds.  I opened all the blinds and kept the windows open while I balanced my checkbook.  I went to charge my camera’s battery and when I went to return it into the camera, it got jammed.  So, I couldn’t operate my camera and I’ll now need to go to a repair shop to remove the battery.

I was running behind for my appointment at Löyly.  I had been wanting to go to this place since I first heard about it a couple of years ago.  Löyly is a sauna modeled after the sauna culture in Scandinavia.  I arrived at the southeast Portland facility, located off of Clinton and SE 21st, in a gorgeous sustainable wooded building and upgraded my massage to The Reviver package, which included a 3-hour stay at the facility, a 30 minute massage, a rejuvenating mask, cleansing tea, single serving salt scrub and sparkling Voss water. 

I went to my locker, undressed, grabbed a robe, spa shoes, and two towels.  I took a warm shower and then put on my robe and went to relax in the tea lounge and enjoyed a relaxing cup.  I flipped through some magazines while my friend Kerry was getting her massage.  The tea room was open with minimalist decor and lovely fresh flowers and votive candles. 

I had my 30 minute massage with Kim, a kind young woman with a gift for deep-tissue/Swedish blend therapy.  It was amazing.  I could feel the tension melt away.  I had been so wound up, and I couldn’t even remember when I had had my last massage.  She had a bowl of steaming aromatherapy in sage and rosemary below that added to the indulgent relaxation.

After my massage, I drank some Voss sparkling water and then went into the sauna.  It was glorious.  I closed my eyes and meditated while my skin opened up, expelled toxins that had been loosened from my massage, and felt my skin slowly moisten with sweat and soften.  I sat there, meditatively, for about ten minutes.

I got out and continued to drink more water.  After a nice conversation with Kerry, I went into the steam room which was infused with an invigorating sage-lemongrass aromatherapy.  Again, my skin responded to the healing, cleansing steam.  I closed my eyes and meditated through this experience. 

After a ten minute steam, I drank more water and then went into the locker room to apply my Dr. Hauschka rejuvenating mask.  It smelled wonderful.  I returned to the tea room and sipped on another cup of delicious cleansing tea.

I loved just sitting back and relaxing, not being rushed, taking my time.  I loved the minimalist decor, the pale wooden benches, the sunlight entering from the high windows, the soothing sense of time lapsed, of being in the moment.  I could feel wellness brimming within.

I finally returned to the locker room and took a warm shower with th salt scrub.  I got the sage mint scrub which swell divine and sloughed off dead skins sells with superb exfoliation, then melted into the skin like butter as it hydrated and rinsed off.  It was amazing.

I washed my hair and then dried off, got dress, dried my hair, put on some make-up and headed toward the Pearl for a lunch appointment.  As I drove in the sunny gorgeous day, I decided I would return to Löyly for 2-3 times a month.  It’s a steal for only $20 if you just want to use the facility without a package or massage. 

The Löyly experience reminded me of how civilized Portland is – it’s more European than any other American city I have been to!  This sauna reminded me of how Eurpeans live.  Then, this city has amazing cafes and restaurants dedicated to local, seasonal, sustainable provisions.  Its boutiques are full of local designers, the downtown isn’t just lines of typical USA chains.  It’s truly a special place.

I met the agent/editor who has been helping me get ready for publication.  After a great conversation and a nice lunch, and a couple of glasses of wine, we agreed that we’d like to work together.  I have so much confidence in this person and I think she believes in me and my abilities as a writer.  I pretty much laid my cards on the table and told her my intentions – that if she liked my novel and felt it was something she would love to work on and promote, that I’d love to work with her.  I am so delighted and grateful to have such a great contact here in Portland, rather than have to fish through a ton of agents in NYC, where my queries end up in the slush pile of about a few hundred inquiries coming in each day.  I was psyched about my writing future.  It’s all coming together beautifully, not effortlessly, but as it should.

After my lunch meeting, I was so elated that I went into Anthropologie, my favorite non-Portland-based-boutique (yes, it’s a chain).  I bought a pair of green seersucker pants, three cute Bohemian sleeveless shirts that were on sale (made with incredibly soft cotton blends)  and a great summer hat.

I went to Whole Foods to pick up salad fixings, gluten-free Andouille sausage, gazpacho, wine and cherries for a barbecue at Shirley’s house.  I went straight to her place, changed shirts, and we headed over to Fred Meyer for more provisions.  I bought two bags of chips – Kettle Chips in Salt & Pepper and Terra Chips in Red, Stripes & Blue with a natural BBQ flavor.  We got back to her place, poured some rose and began prepping the food.  I made an organic mixed mache salad with red grape tomatoes, red, yellow and organge sweet peppers, red onion, pumpkin seeds, a trio of shredded cheeses (Asiago, Parmesan and Fontina) dressed with Annie’s Natural’s Lemon & Chive dressing.   

Shirley’s friend Julia, a massage therapist, came over first.  The three of us ate a bowl of gazpacho while we sipped on Elk Cove’s Pinot Noir Rose.  Her neighbors came over next.  We got the grill going and had bean salads, cole slaw, pickles and veggies out.  I had a sausage, that was delightfully spicy, with mustard and a bottle of Green’s Amber Ale, which I had picked up at Whole Foods.  It’s my favorite gluten-free beer. 

The food was good, the company was great.  Shirley has an amazing back yard.  Tiki torches were lit, a string of white lights lined her fence, a cluster of grape lights hung by her shed – it was the perfect summer yard!  Kerry and Claudia soon came over.  We had grilled asparagus and I had another helping of the mixed green salad I had made. 

By now it was dark out, more candles were lit and we emptied the bowl of sweet cherries and chocolate.  Shirley soon started the fire pit and we moved around it.  She brought out marshmallows, Hershey’s chocolate bars and graham crackers.  I was designated the role of marshmallow roaster.  I had just the marshmallow-chocolate option, but passed along the S’mores for the group.  Julia’s friend, Alita, another aesthetician, with her boyfriend, a guy who owns a very cool shoe store off of Broadway, along with Shirley’s neighbor, Thomas.

It was two in the morning when I finally left!  There were still a few stragglers.  I had such a great evening, such an amazing day.  It was a transition.  While there are likely more cold and rainy days ahead in Portland before summer really starts – it’s a well-known fact that summer doesn’t really start here until July 5, I was still happy with this amazing weekend, feeling as if I had been on vacation for two days!  I was relaxed and happy.  This summer is full of promise!

 

 

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