Monday, July 14
It was going to be a long day. I had a ton of catch up work to do. And I was in a fog, coming off of my week at Fishtrap, a week of creative focus, a week of trying to shake my usual routine and creative repression. And, here I was, back to the routine. This was not intended to be a complaint. I just really appreciated the opportunity to be in a place as beautiful and remote as the Wallowas. The creativity well didn’t tap immediately for me. It took a few days, beginning with my Bardo experience. And that had made all of the difference.
But, here I was in a fog. I was thinking about my career, about graduate school and the conundrum to get an MFA or not to get an MFA, that was really the question. I also thought about my finances and lack of funds for grad school. I thought about adding to the debt I already have, by way of grad school, and this was unsettling to me. I stirred myself into a temporary anxiety.
When I got home, I went straight to the gym. I got in a 35 minute run. I wondered, were these anxious symptoms of Fishtrap? Were these the kinds of thoughts that inhabit once your creative mojo is on and the writing starts to flow, no, rush like the Wallowa River?
I was unsettled. I couldn’t shake it.
I went to Safeway to use a gift card my mother had sent me a couple of weeks ago. When I got home, I made shrimp tacos with corn tortillas, shrimp sautéed in lime, white wine, butter, white pepper and garlic, then topped with raw white cabbage, sweet orange pepper, yellow-green heirloom tomato, fresh scallion, mixed shaved cheese, a dallop of low-fat organic sour cream, and green tomatillo salsa. I ate two of these, on the small tortillas. It’s amazing how food could make me feel better. The flavors soothed, the fresh and healthy fare made me feel like I was doing something good for my body. And it was a relief to be guaranteed gluten-free once again.
While the Fishtrap kitchen staff worked hard to provide me with a gluten-free menu, I knew I ate certain dishes that were not guaranteed gluten-free; perhaps wheat free, but not always gluten-free. I was suffering from returned symptoms, including my rash and anxiety.
Now home, back to the control of my own kitchen, I felt reconnected, even though I was sad to be away from the flow of writing. I meditated before I went to bed. This included a foot soak, a facial mask, and deep breaths. All with my adoring cats nestling close to me.
