Thursday, June 5
Wait. Is this really June? Really? Well, so far this June sucks. It’s more like March. It’s cold out. It’s cloudy and gray. Oh yeah, it’s Portland. Where did I think I was when I woke up?
Anyway. I could rant on and on about how messed up the seasons are out here. But when it’s good, man, it’s unbelievable. Portlanders have to hang on to that, grasp it like a dream, else crazy takes over. Seriously.
Anyway, I woke up groggy. But I got out of bed and took a warm shower – it was like an Irish Spring commercial. Well, not really. But I have some amazing aromatherapy body scrubs and washes (in ginger, lemongrass, citrus, rosemary and sage) that seriously do invigorate. Won’t change your life, but will get your butt to work.
Again with the neti pot and Wellness supplement. That’s been my sinus infection exit strategy. So far, so good. And by the time I left the house I was feeling better, or at least clear. But about mid-commute I was getting congested. It’s so weird, the way of my nasal passages.
I got to work and took a Claritan-D. I then made a cup of Yogi Chammomile tea and got back to work.
Oh, and for lunch I had the best gluten free sandwhich I have ever had, to date. I cut two slices of Whole Food’s Honey Oat gluten free bread, which is amazing. The trick with gluten free bread is to stick it in the microwave for a few minutes. This minimizes the typical crumbling. I added organic smoked turkey breast (no nitrates or hormones, etc.), fresh, organic Romaine lettuce, organic white cheddar cheese slices and mustard. I also had an organic dill pickle. It was a great lunch!
My co-worker was so sweet to bring me a gluten free chocolate cookie she picked up at Whole Foods. I had it with some fresh cherries I brought. The cookie was more like a brownie. So good.
But by 4:15 I was feeling like I was going to pass out. I very suddenly got tired and started to get warm. Then I began to sweat a little. Then I was hot. I knew I had a fever again. My co-worker gave me an Aleve and I went home. I was done.
I ordered some chicken Pho for dinner for take out. I was still congested. Great. As I sat back and ate my dinner, I heard a news report on why men are supposedly afraid of getting married. They fear the marriage will end badly, with a bitter divorce, leaving them in financial ruin.
On one hand, I can see their point. But, on the other hand I find this incredibly demeaning and depressing. First, it makes me think of nothing but greed. I guess it really is all about money. But, I even stated in one of my recent posts that so many marriages today are less about love, respect and companionship, and are more like business transactions. Mergers. Or sometimes acquisitions. If men keep this fear or greed, or whatever you want to call it, in the back of their minds when they are making a commitment to a woman, then they are pretty much doomed, as far as I’m concerned.
It seems to me if these men were more confident and competent in making a choice for a mate then they shouldn’t be worrying about divorce – and believe me, I know it goes both ways. I’m just saying that a thoughtful, mature man (or woman) should be able to make a sensible decision in who he (she) chooses to marry. And it takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage last.
I think another part of the problem is with people who marry too young (before 30, in my opinion), as they have more than 50% chance of falling to a fate of divorce. I think people who marry in their 20′s are a little crazy. It seems to me that for those who grow up and live an independent adult life in their 20′s, well, they’ll have more time to become financially secure (both men and women), to figure out who they are and what they have to offer, and to discover what it is they really want out of life and a partner. So, if you give yourself ample time to learn those very important things, by the time you’re in your thirties, and older, you are better positioned to make sensible decisions in selecting the right kind of partner and securing an enduring, strong marriage. Statistics will teach you that. And statistics don’t lie!!
If, I mean when I become a successful writer, and if, I mean when I meet ‘the one’, am I going to have to get him to sign a pre-nup? Now that I know that men fear financial ruin from divorce, I don’t want to make myself, or my hard-earned financial success, fall to ruin, either. Still, that’s so unromantic to me. Perhaps practical, but unromantic.
It often seems like there’s no room for faith in love and marriage in today’s world. The disease of divorce spreads too quickly like a pandemic. It’s shocking to me how many men in their thirties are divorced in Oregon. I’m not really sure what’s going on with the women, but I’ll assume they’re the other halves of that. These are the guys who married in their 20′s, the guys who seem to really fear financial ruin if they marry a second time. And who can blame them? And if the divorce was their fault (cheating, abuse, addictions) that is likely to cost them more in a divorce, I imagine.
I guess if there’s any fear going into a potential marriage, wheather its rooted in finances, lack of self esteem, lack of trust – whatever – there’s a red flag. And that person should know when to walk away. But too many people settle and find themselves in less than desirable situations. And live to regret it, in one way or another.
So, I don’t know how to resolve this issue, not that I’m trying to resolve it. But, I think it’s silly for men to mope around with fear of marriage because they don’t want to fall to financial ruin. If you end up making a really bad decision, especially the obvious ones, like marrying a golddigger just because she’s hot, or cheating on a sweet, devoted wife – you’re setting yourself up for financial ruin! And I think you’re upping your chances for it, too, if you marry when you’re still a kid. Hint to yourself -you probably shoudn’t marry if you can barely balance your checkbook
Seriously. What is the rush?? If you meet the person you’re supposed to be with forever, then wait. If they’re really the one, they’ll still be there when you’ve grown up a little. Because you’re meant to be with them forever. Right? It’s a good test to see if you’re with the right person.
By the time you’re in your 30′s you don’t necessarily need the same kind of test. It’s funny. I actually laugh when I think about my twenties. Now. At the time, well, my twenties were full of all kinds of growing pains. Learning how to be fiscally responsible, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, learning to live on my own. These were incredibly important. Equally important was putting myself in debt, travelling to Europe where I had a couple of amazing love stories, and chasing my dreams.
Interestingly enough, I could have been married twice in my twenties. And I was soooo in loooove. I was convinced that I was mature enough and ready for it. I am so glad that I didn’t do it. I’d either be divorced now or very unhappily married. I am a totally different person than I was back then and it truly is a blessing that I got to have that precious time to learn so much about myself. I really do have so much more to offer someone now at this age (34) than I ever could as a 20-something girl. And that means I’m looking for a totally different kind of man to share my life with, as well. But… that’s just me.
Anyway. For those who are afraid of financial ruin from divorce, whether they were married and divorced before, or if they’re over 30, guys, lighten up and maybe get some therapy. Everyone needs therapy, so don’t feel bad. But, seriously, you guys need to talk to someone about those fears. And if you’re that afraid, perhaps you’ll need a prenup to feel secure. Nuff said. I think I’ve beaten this dead horse beyond inhumane cause for imprisonment.
So … I guess I’m a little confused as to how getting a prenup doesn’t translate to making marriage about money and fear of losing it.
Which isn’t to say that I disagree with getting one; but I guess I’m slightly puzzled about how you’re looking at the situation … on the one hand, you’re saying that men who fear financial ruin in marriage should make better choices, or grow up, or get therapy … but on the other hand, you would be inclined to protect yourself with a prenup. So you have the exact same fear, right?
Are you objecting to the fear itself, or to the fact that the men who have that fear aren’t coming up with a logical solution?
If they’re not using a prenup as a solution, I can tell you why: most women are offended by the idea of it, because they want to be trusted in the context of marriage. Having had this discussion casually with quite a few women, I’ve heard again and again the idea that a prenup is insulting. Personally, I don’t see why, but … I also don’t see the point of legal marriage, so I’m probably not the right person to ask.
Not all divorces happen because men cheat, or are addicts, or are abusive; and not all divorces happen because the man in the relationship isn’t paying attention. Women change, too. Sometimes both people change in ways that are unexpected. I think the fear of divorce and ruin is impacted not only by people having made past poor choices, but also because we’re a generation that saw horrifying relationships … either we saw our Baby Boomer generation parents locked together in toxic bonds because they couldn’t disentangle themselves financially, or we saw very ugly divorces. Very few of us, regardless of gender, have healthy relationship models … and that makes it more difficult to make good choices at any age.
I’m not sure that in our 30s, we have much sense of who we’ll be in our 40s or 50s. Probably the basic facets of character are better understood, but … people change, radically, all the time. I know people who were married in their 20s and who are profoundly well-matched and deeply happy. My acupuncturist, an incredibly self-aware man in his middle 40s, still struggles to find a stable relationship, partly because he evolves intellectually and spiritually in huge leaps and bounds, and his partners have difficulty adjusting to him. In my own case, though I’m pretty introspective and I think I know myself fairly well, I also know that I have repressed memories that may be triggered unexpectedly at any time in my life, and if that happens, it’s likely to be a catalyst for huge change or upheaval that might wreak havoc on any relationship I’m in. I guess what I’m saying is that the older we get, and the more we understand about people … perhaps the harder it really is to have faith. We’re more innocent when we’re young; we make commitments in different ways. We don’t understand the things that can happen to change people. We go into things without fear because we are too innocent to be afraid.
Do men fear financial ruin in marriage? Maybe. But what they really fear is that their partner will change and become untrustworthy. And I think it’s a valid fear. Perhaps using money as the shorthand to express that is an unfortunate way of putting it … but all shorthand is.
Fair enough. I wrote that on very little sleep, so exhaustion, and little patience for the topic, at the time. Which lead to the ranting. I went back to edit this so that it’s more clear to what I really meant.
I am not really suggesting I want to get a pre-nup. I think it’s just as unfair for me as a successful woman to expect a prenup as it is for a man to avoid marriage for fear of financial ruin.
The point is, men and women don’t seem to trust each other very much. Or maybe not enough. And I think it comes from something within. That’s usually fear.
I think the fear is more complex than just for the loss of financial worth. It usually has more to do with an unhappiness within. Therapy can help people figure out what’s keeping them from intimacy, commitment, happiness, and so on.
If a person is worried their partner will change, well, that’s the only thing you can count on. People do and will change. The hope is that you can grow together as you change, and not grow apart. But, sometimes people do grow very far apart. That’s part of the risk.
And there are so many risks in marrying someone, that goes well beyond finances and change.
I think you just have to decide if you are with a person in a relationship that’s worth taking all those risks.
I continue to strongly believe in the importance of using your twenties to evolve as a human being and adult before getting married. Even if I met “the one” when I was 25, I would hope that I would still have spent 5 more years as an independent woman. If he was the one, then he’d be there forever. There’s no rush. And the payoffs are huge. Statistics prove this to be true.
And I’m talking about people in their 20′s and 30′s today, not my parents generation. My mother didn’t have half the options I did as a 20-something. You can’t even compare.
While in your 30s you might not know who you’ll be in your 40s and 50s, if you were single in your 20s then you made the very sacred time for yourself between adolescence and adulthood (I considered myself a girl in my 20′s, not a woman, and that includes all of my girlfriends), before a husband and kids become your focus. This is especially important for women, actually. They often lose themselves in their marriages and children. And they do this by choice, some are even happy to do it. So it’s not a right or a wrong. But once you become a wife and mother you can no longer have that ‘selfish me’ time in your life. Your life becomes all about everyone else.
Obviously, people are going to do what they want to do. And for those who make it, awesome. But the statistics are not favorable.
If I were asked by my college to come back and give advice to the students, and I went to a very small southern women’s college where girls at one point used to go to get their MRS degrees, I would tell them to hold on to their 20s, to their independence, to their singlehood and to their dreams for as long as they can. They have forever to be wife and mother. That said, their “me” time is very brief. And yet so very sacred. And that’s assuming they will have successful marriages.
That’s just my view.
Thanks for sharing your point of view!
Men are avoiding marriage. After seeing my brother’s life destroyed by his wife of 16 years, I have a major fear of marriage. The amazing thing, she said she was just tired of being married. The legal system is so out of balance it has become too risky for men. Read “Taken into Custody” and you will understand. Men told to make child support and alimony payments that leave them with nothing to live on. When they fall behind they are imprisoned or in the case of one judge, they are castrated. Men arrested and held in jail without hearing based on false accusations by their wives. I know one man whose wife told him to quit his job and become a house husband. If he refused, she told him she would divorce him and he would never see his 8 year old daughter again. Women need to stop saying they do not care, or that men should just suck it up. Men are growing tired and bitter of a country that abuses them, their brothers and their fathers. One day the women of the US may need the men and the men will recall how they have been treated and will tell the women to buzz off!
Men dont fear marriage……….we fear divorce.