Tuesday, March 11
11:50 p.m.
I am tired, almost too tired to write. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I am juggling working, taking home work, writing a daily blog, trying to get in some other reading and writing. Oh, and I have to schedule in an hour to work out, and then make dinner. Because of celiac disease, there are very few ‘fast’ food options to make at home. I cook, which I love to do, but, again, it just adds to my list of things to cram into my evenings. I am desperate for more time. I haven’t been getting enough sleep, I am fighting catching a cold, and I haven’t been able to make time to meditate. My priorities are all over the place. I was almost guilted by a co-worker to miss Mass this Palm Sunday because of our spring barrel tasting. I had to stand up for myself and say I’ll get there when I get there. I snapped and told her my religion was more important to me than my job. Period. It disgusted me that I even had to defend it. It’s amazing to me how many people don’t respect people’s religions. I have heard this person make snide comments about religious people before. Now, more than ever, I need my time to meditate to breathe in, to not get worked up or pissed off, to stay centered and enlightened. It’s amazing how many people are anti-religion and how those of us who pracitice a faith are considered two-headed monsters.
Which leads me to a workshop at the end of the month. Yangsi Rinpoche is giving a talk on The Good Heart on Friday, March 28 at New Renaissance Book Store. I made a note to myself to reserve my spot tomorrow. Yangsi Rinpoche is a recognized reincarnate lama in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. He is the author of Practicing the Path: A Commentary on the Lamrim Chenmo and the President and Founder of Maitripa Institute in Portland. I went to the website today and made a note to sign up for the next Discovering Buddhism course, which seems like a wonderful introductory course.
As I began writing this, I sipped on my Yogi Bedtime tea. The tea tag reads: Empty yourself and let the universe fill you. That’s very Zen. And I was slowly unwinding. I did 10 sun salutations this evening, along with about 20 minutes of strength training. I miss yoga. I wish there was a studio closer to my home offering vinyassa, or the ‘hot’ yoga. It’s frustrating that I have to drive all the way to the Pearl for this. While I like Yoga Pearl, it is always too full. And I prefer taking yoga classes with just women. Oh, in my perfect imaginary world I’d have a bright yoga studio in Tigard, near Bridgeport Village, just for women! And it would include a spa with the sounds of running water and candle light and peace abounding in every corner, in every inch of energy-pleasing space. It would be a wellness center. Too bad the old Wild Oats couldn’t be converted!
I sent an email to the agent who requested my manuscript, trying to get a sense of the status of her review. I was on the fence if I should send a couple query letters out to other agents, or not. I’m still so new at this and I’m just trying to find my way. My objective is to get this book published, so I need to learn how to make that possible. She mentioned that the book needs a lot of work, but that I should continue querrying other agents. So, she kindly declined representing me and my book.
I’m now trying to figure out how I am supposed to grow from this. I emailed back and asked her for advice - if I should seek an editor to help me get this work ready for publishing. I know the book needs work. It’s my first novel! I’d love to know how many successful, classic writers whipped out a golden, fine-quality finished book their first time around without edits? I know I need to edit this book. But, do I hire an editor or hope an agent reads it, sees its potential, pitches a publisher so that I get assigned a brilliant editor to help me shape it into a beautiful work it so deserves to become?? I hate this. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. And I’m so tempted to just burn it and give up.
I’m stuck in my cocoon. It’s tight, sticky and I’m sick of being in it already. I want so much to become a butterfly. But I need help.
