This is not in real time, as I started writing my blog last night (Sunday), but I created the blog site today (Monday). So, I’ll eventually get caught up.
I had just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s best selling narrative fiction book, Eat, Pray, Love. I had to put this book down several times during the course of reading it. It’s a book about transformation and I was relating to it all a little too well. But, I think about Gilbert’s happy ending, not contrived, but earned, as I try to place the last of my belongings into marked cardboard moving boxes, and I begin to visualize my very own earned happy ending.
I am 33, very single, very independent and, finally, very happy. That’s a lot of very’s, I know. I am also very afraid – afraid of an unofficial dream oracle that assures I will receive true love very soon. Afraid because opening up my life to someone means shifting around the very tidy order of my life, an order that has become safe, comfortable and reassuring to me, an order that has allowed me to find my very own peace and happiness. Letting someone in is a risk, and following the devastation that came with the loss of my last love terrifies me to no end. But, a divine source always chimes its soothing voice peacefully in my muddled mind during my meditation sessions, a coaxing mantra telling me to have hope and faith.
While I was taping up my last box, I overheard an entertainment television broadcast interview with a favorite actor of mine, 38 year old Michael Vartan, most notably known for his roles on TV’s “Alias” and as the hot teacher/object of desire in Drew Barrymore’s hilarious romantic comedy “Never Been Kissed”. The interviewer mentioned Vartan, who used to date “Alias” co-star Jennifer Garner, was single and ready to settle down. When asked his type, Vartan claimed he didn’t really have a type “tall, short, skinny, full-bodied” (or something to that effect!) “I love all women.” A safe answer. Still, I spent the next hour fantasizing that I’d meet Vartan’s agent or publicist on an airplane who’d confidently profess, “I have the best guy for you. You two would be perfect for each other!” Then, he’d fly up to Oregon wine country, I’d show him around and seduce him with Pinot Noir and a homemade dinner beginning with a local organic heirloom tomato Capresi salad, then onto a main course of grilled wild Copper River salmon with fresh, organic dill and lemon served with a wild Oregon mushroom rice pilaf, finished off with dark organic chocolate dipped marrion berries and creme fraiche, all romantically set in candle light at Portland’s Japanese Garden. Some people fantasize about sex; I fantasize about food.
Back to reality.
I am on the tail end of a cold. Congested, per usual. I can’t wait to get clear again. Stress is mean to the immune system. I meditate and then take a hot aromatherapy shower before I go to bed. I feel better. The packing will get finished. The move will go smoothly. I’ll love my new home. My new job is going to be fabulous. I don’t just tell myself this, I visualize it and feel it in my bones. Indeed, I have great hope and faith.
It is my goal to be totally off of Claritan-D over the course of the next couple of months. I will have a beautiful meditation room all set up in my new place to clear me and release negative toxins that ball up from stress and build up in my body. When I meditate, eyes closed, dramatic cobalt blues and purples surface in my mind’s eye. I have a strong third eye, I am highly introspective. This, I know, will serve me well during my 365 day journey toward love.
I am anxious to be clear. Today, the journey begins.